Cassadaga Christmas

Cassadaga Christmas

Something happens when you are completely alone and awake without any possible distraction for 15 hours. You think. You think about everything. You try and remember why you did certain things. You wonder what would have happened if you didn’t say one thing or take one chance.

All of these things are stemmed with a single theme. That theme is doubt.

This was the situation that was placed in front of me yesterday.

I had a very long drive to return to my hometown for the Holidays. I was to make the same drive that took me from my last chapter, except this one was reversed. And, this one was alone.

I have completed my first Act in Austin. I moved to this city with the dreams of a childhood in which I always wanted to be noticed. I always wanted to be liked. I always wanted to be known. I always wanted to be Loved.

Austin was my city in which all of these dreams would come true. I will not sit here and say everything went according to plan, but I will not be negative about the completion of Act one.

If I were to grade myself it would have to be an Incomplete. I accomplished things that I never thought that I would even with my best of chances. I cowardly surrendered other things because my vanity caused me to close my heart. I fought and struggled with life on levels that I never knew I could.

I survived.

When I was on set for my first movie, I thought that I never wanted to return to that culture. It was a constant unknown. It was 14 hour days with different stresses arising that I was ill-prepared to handle. As anyone close to me could tell you, it is exhausting for me to ask for assistance or accept defeat.

When the days were over, I went home and thought to myself about how I could call in sick the next day. What could I come up with so I wouldn’t have to face these future difficulties. I was trying to find a way out.

Courage. It is a word that I can really label my actions with, but I think that is the word of my Austin experience. That is the word that allowed me to battle through the bleakest of times and to truly love the best.

What I did find out while being on a film set, is that as soon as the last shot is taken and Martini Cut is yelled by the director, I didn’t want it to end. I never wanted to leave and felt like I let myself down for being so stressed over these challenges.

This story of my film experience is my metaphor for the greater Austin Act one. It caused me the most stress that I have ever faced in my life. It caused me to become an Insomniac on three different occasions. It caused me to drink more beer and see more music that I thought was possible as I was looking for any numbing of my conscious.

But, it also provided me with the greatest moments of my life. I had the happiest days spent with my roommates playing Monopoly and watching movies. Working on a film set and discussing the New York Times crossword backstage at the theater. Understanding what it is to truly live without any structure.

This is just a brief sampling of what was racing in my mind as I trekked from Austin to Phoenix. I sped through the flatlands of West Texas. I survived the winds of New Mexico. I crawled through the mountains of Southeast Arizona and arrived home again.

Along the way, I wondered where I was going? What was I doing? What had I done? What will I do? Will it work out? Will it be better? Or Worse?

I drove threw Iraan and was sure that I had just finally wrote the play that was going to get me that first big paycheck. I cruised through Van Horn and was positive that I was to be alone for the rest of my life. After El Paso I was ready to join a gym and work out everyday. In Willcox I mapped out how to finally start to grow the garden at the house back in Austin. In Phoenix I realized that I was a new person.

Life is full of these things. These problems. These dramas. These excitements. These things that are connected that cause us to question and analyze everything that we have done. On my trip, my mind was over-heating not only because of being alone for that long of a period, but because it is the holiday season.

The Holidays mean that you need to be happy. They are a time when everyone can take a break from turning the wheel. We can enjoy some slower times and hang out with our closest family. Those people could be actual family or the closest friends that you have. When I thought about this during my drive, I looked around my vacant car and was doing it alone.

I am a very lucky person to have an amazing family and set of friends in my life. They do anything for me and are always supportive. But, I want more. I want to abandon this feeling in the pit of my stomach that causes my brain to not be able to shut off. I don’t know exactly what the cure is, but am trying to find it.

It is the end of the year. It is the end of an amazing year, a horrible year or a whatever year. It is up to you to decide. I found out how the highest highs can be higher than I ever imagined and the lowest lows can be pretty confidence breaking. All in all, I am going to pick myself up and only worry about the future.

This is my message to you. What has happened is done. There is nothing to change it. You need to look back and reflect about how it happened. When you found that high of the year, find out what caused that and work your tail off to do it again. Those things that caused you to question everything, need to be understood so you can recognize the identifiers before they crush you.

Austin was my Utopia. Like any other Utopia, it was brilliant when it was first constructed. But, human nature interfered and greed caused cracks in the foundation. Doubt gave way to anger that caused blame to topple over the most beautiful ideal in the world. Pity allowed me to kick around for a while and mash the foundation into even smaller pieces. It concluded with desperation and escape.

So, I am here now. I have hit the reset button. I am working on slowing everything down. I just found a flashlight. I am preparing myself for the journey back to the mess I left in Austin. I know what I have to do and just need to start. It will work out. It always done. I just need to be open.

So, my friends. I send you with this. Happy Holidays and if you are depressed watching everyone else try to be so happy, do not worry, you are not alone. If you have broken something, try and fix it. It maybe completely different after, but it will just be a natural progression. If you are happy, keep the positive thing in your life that causes you to glow.

For me, I will be fine. I am with family and friends. I am finding out that I am a pretty good guy, but sometimes I can be a reaper of bitterness.

Moral: Enjoy your loved ones. Don’t worry about the questions in your mind and make positive actions. Go onward without spite or jealousy. In order to be loved, you need to Love.