Cibo

Cibo.

I have successfully returned to Austin, Texas alive. Understand that this is an accomplishment. For a while there, it felt like this is something that would have been unattainable.

My entire life I have been unselfish. I have always allowed for something else to take hold of my life and just went with the flow. No matter how difficult the situation or how I felt, I did not say. I would simply take it with a smile on my face and know that there would be a moment of redemption. Ladies and gentlemen, I am finally going to be selfish.

I arrived a little earlier. The GPS was perfectly accurate and for once in my life I allowed for the proper amount of time to get to a location. The establishment was located in a residential area and a few blocks from the Arizona State University Phoenix campus. Parking was on the street; which was easy as my vast experience of city driving while in Austin has made street parking my specialty.

I think back to why I moved to Austin and somewhere there is a sense of urgency. I moved to this city to start this career that was burning inside of me. Along the way, that fire was extinguished with doubt. The moment that I remember as being the one in which I know that my path had turned negative was when I passed on an evening of conversation with a friend to abuse alcohol. This started the zeitgeist into my demise.

The restaurant was a house. It had a very limited dining area that flowed outside to a large patio with a fire pit. A murmur of excitement was in the atmosphere as everyone had intense conversations. The energy level was perfect for a re-union of two old friends. We were introduced by mutual friends and it had been months since we had last spoken.

I can be very dramatic. I think out these very complex situations and place reasoning with why other people do certain actions and what I can do to anticipate just how a situation will result. This causes me to be a good story-teller as I know how to manipulate information in order to get a certain reaction, depending on my content. So, when I sit here and tell you about my demise and how brutal I have felt for however long, understand that I am being a writer. I am finally being what I am meant to be. Do you know how amazing it feels to actually follow your heart and dream?

We sat down. When we rose to get up it was because the restaurant was closing. We ordered food and drinks in the mean time. We declined dessert every fifteen minutes and the murmur inside of the restaurant dissipated until we were the only ones using voices that were definitely not inside voice approved. Over two hours had passed and the meaning of life was touched upon at least a half dozen times. We watched people walk past outside and wondered about everything. When it was over, it was all too soon. But as with anything in life, brevity will make the best moments that much grander.

I was raised in a family of inclusion. It is a family that has no boundaries and one that will openly discuss bowel movements at the dinner table. It was a family that I was desperate to leave and one that I labeled for ruining my existence before it even started. What I never did was thank them for being simply amazing. I was so caught up with what was wrong with my family, that I neglected what made them wonderful.

I can only appreciate them after being away. What I used to think was nagging and what I used to think was tedious, was in fact just Love. It was their attempt to show compassion. Sure, everyone gets invited over for holidays and 25 people end up in a small house, but is that not what the holidays are for? The amount of Love that existed in that Arizona house for those few days filled my cup and soul with so much happiness. Of course at the end of the week I was ready to get back to work on my life, but I left feeling content again.

The theories and discoveries made at that Italian restaurant are things that can never be repeated. It is not because any of it was secret or blackmailing. But, because it wouldn’t make sense outside of that content. The moment that was shared was one in which so much beauty was in the environment that the entire time felt other worldly. It felt like the moment in which you find the meaning to life. See, on that side street of Phoenix we found that moment. Life was perfect in the discussion because we allowed it to be. Once we allow ourselves to be open and understanding, this place is magical.

All life is are the moments that we live in. We are not allowed to have any more than we are allotted. There is no point in whining about being too old or too young. There is no point in criticizing those in which can not effect your mind and soul. There is no point in being so hard on yourself that it causes you to never allow yourself to escape the grips of depression or doubt.

What there is time for is to be open. In order to Love, you have to be loved. You can never give what you do not have. You can never provide strength if you are not strong. You can never provide reason if you are in doubt. You can never fulfill anyone else, until you as a person understand what it is to be complete.

This past week of my life I went through the annuls of my past. I met with old friends and did past actions. I laughed at the same stories and spoke of how amazing my life is evolving. I thought of what has made me the person I am and what has caused me to be incomplete. What I have found is that the answers to every question and issue in which you ask yourself are actually residing in your heart. You are the only person that can heal or Love. You are the only person that can control what you have become or what you will become.

It was a week long journey that took me to many places in my past, but it was a moment in my present at a restaurant that I had never been to realize that all the tools I could ever need were nestled in my heart and mind.

Moral; Cibo has a very good lunch with an amazing setting. Friends are the people in this world that will always allow you to be open even if you cannot be truthful to yourself. Take a new perspective on life and change for no one, if they Love you, they will always Love you no matter what you become.

Brevity

Brevity is the key to wit.

A friend told me that.

Had an amazing day of discussions with people of my past.

Discovered a whole bunch about myself that I did not know before.

Will get into it more when I level out and it makes more sense.

Cibo is an amazing location in Phoenix for lunch and honest discussion.

Extreme Bean has very good coffee and a relaxed atmosphere that allows you to forget about your worries.

Have a great Wednesday and enjoy this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_SF81GkLU8

It is my song of the day.

Talk to you soon.

Much love.

Moral: Be brief in your thoughts, but exact with your actions. Love every moment, as you’ll never know when it is the one that defines your life. 

Connections.

Connections.

No matter how old I get, this is the one thing that I am constantly looking for.

I spent a very large amount of my day with my grandparents. It was an amazing time and was a nod to my maturity. They no longer looked at me as a child, but as an adult. They took value in what I said and listened like I was a celebrity. This is an amazing feeling. The feeling that allows you to be looked up to by the people that you have idolized.

These connections happen everyday. I starve for a connection with everything. I try to be as open as possible to experiences. I try to limit my judgments for which the actions I am not apart. I try to not choose sides when an argument is registered for things and people in which I have never met. The thing that life has taught me is that it is better to not form judgments for things before you have tried them. For, when you do try them your mind taints the possible outcome by fixing the situation to be placed in the favor of the previous opinion.

My grandparents live in a community for other retired people. It is like a dorm atmosphere. They all have their own homes and they all have their own golf carts. But, there is a guard that you must bypass in order to gain access to these homes. A magic word must be uttered and a nod is given that allows you to cruise the streets of Sun Lakes with a Speed Limit of 12. These communities are not solely in Arizona, but across the nation. Is it not interesting that we place the heads of our families as far out as view as possible? Nothing like a little slice of retirement community living to make you realize just how short life truly is.

I used to be bad. Not saying that I am amazing right now, but I am getting better. I would swear at things and people just because of a team they rooted for. I would get team logos shaved into my head to show my amazing support for people doing their jobs thousands of miles away. I would challenge law authority as it seemed to be a rational idea at the time of my teams defeat. I now understand this while I sit around the dinner table for Christmas Eve.

I lead my life in isolation with the ideal of connection. See, I told you I was a conflicted individual. I lead a life of solitude as the writers I mimic did the same. They lead their lives on the fridge of society. They had such great perspective on everything because they did not participate. They watched the lives of others, wrote about them and lived through the page. I think this is the reason so many of them self-destructed with the use of alcohol or drugs as living without the connection of people is a very lonely existence.

I was finally promoted from the kids table to that of the adults. I guess this was just another perk from the move to Austin. I was asked to give the blessing of the food, which I declined. Everyone talked, I listened. I have found that it is best to register as little opinion while at a table of Italians, as this will ensure that a fight will not happen. I am not saying that we are an angry people, we are just opinionated. Unfortunately, our opinions are very rarely completely thought out or unique.

During the meal I did silently observe my grandparents. They sat next to me and methodically worked through their food. There seemed to be a great sense of accomplishment for them to just finish their meal. I say this has positively as possible, but they have become children. I had this moment of realization as they struggled to cut their salmon. I reached over to help, but that was immediately shot down as their pride was too strong to have help from the youngest member of the family. They were the reason all of this was possible, and they are left to live in solitude in a retirement community and there to struggle with their fish. Oh, how cruel and amazing life can be.

The evening continued in a great way. We exchanged gifts. I think I received one of the greatest gifts in the history of Christmas which entailed a first edition of essays by Emerson and six assorted craft beers. It is awesome how easy I am to appease. I connected with my cousins about Austin and “Jersey Shore.” We spoke of movies and drunken stories. It was a regular holiday, but in the corner of my eye were my grandparents. Just sitting in the background, everyone scurrying around them. No one wanting conversation, but to check to see how they feel. No longer being human, but being needy.

Connections are what we want. We live to meet people. We live to be social. We live to discuss everything in our brains. It is a sort of exercise in which we can share these experiences and thus gain an ally in life. We find Love with people that we really like talking to. We find best friends in people that we trust to know us when we are good and more importantly when we are lost. We have all of these degrees of living experiences that cause us to find safety while being with others. We are scared to be alone.

We are scared to be left with no one to talk to. I write this blog so I can connect with random people. I never know if anyone ever reads this, but that is not the point. The point is that I just need that sense that I am connecting with someone to be happy. That is what the greatest writers and thinkers always wanted. Most of them did not have the confidence to exist in society, or saw the underbelly of what was becoming life and wanted to report about it for future generations to take hold of. But, in the end, it was too much.

Life is too hard to be stubborn. It is too short to be closed minded and cynical. There is no point always being right because no one will ever talk to you. Why speak so much about things that do not affect the personal lives you lead?

My family is amazing and this trip is turning out to be more maturing than I ever thought would be possible. I am getting a road map of how to life. It is not always good, nor is it always bad. Life is as honest as you make it. Deep down we all know what we want and what we have to do to get it. The question is will you challenge that dream and see if it has legs. Or, will you sit back and let the world happen around you and question others actions?

Look for a connection in everything you do. When you are fully honest with yourself, it will be clear that life is not a competition and there is no winning. There is just a gentle tempo into fading away into the ether.

The main questions is this; What will you be remembered for?

Moral: This is simple. Connect with people. Really think about anything in your life that causes negative feelings. Lastly, Merry Christmas peeps and thanks for reading. You are my collective subconscious and I can feel your positive energy all around me!

Train

Metro wishes you a safe and happy holiday.

Sports.

In my return to my hometown, I found it important that I go to a few basketball games. This worked out amazingly well as ASU was playing a matinee against USC Upstate and the Suns were playing the same evening against the Oklahoma City Thunder. It was to be a doubleheader of hoops. I was able to go back to campus and around the school that so finely educated me. I was able to check in on a few of the old places and experience the area with fresh eyes. Like all other days, it was to be marvelous, if I allowed it to be.

I get caught up in the past a whole lot. I worry about things that I have done. I worry about things that I have not done. I worry about my dreams. I worry about my legacy. I worry about how other people think of me. I pretty much worry about everything just to distract me.

In the morning, I hiked again. My foot was hurting badly from a splinter that I never took out. I don’t think that it can kill me, but thinking of this splinter made me think of the Andrew Bird song in which the Giant of Illinois was killed by a bloody foot. I hope that is not foreshadowing.

The hike was fantastic. The weather took a turn to become cooler and this caused my hands to numb up on the way down the mountain. It was a very interesting experience to be hiking down a mountain, sweating, music on, body exhausted and then I looked down to see my hands a beat red and difficult to move. It was a true moment that I realized that I was alive again.

I made it down the mountain safely. The sun was out; it was a picture perfect day. I checked my cell phone to find out I had no messages. No one wanted to talk to me which was equal parts an understanding that life is truly a solo experience and that it is a good thing to never have to worry about being somewhere at all times.

I parked in the lot by Mill Avenue that had viewed me at my best and my worst. This lot had been where I parked for pretty much any event. This lot watched me drive drunk way too many times. This lot listened to my cell phone conversations when I fell in Love and when I fell the despair of loss. This lot and I had a long history together. It always stayed by my side and it was good to see it again.

I had lunch at Bison Witches and walked down Veteran’s Way to Wells Fargo Arena. I entered the arena just in time for the brand new light show. The Jumbotron in the stadium was brand new as were signs around the stadium. It felt like a new place even though I had attended way too many events there. This building was the last ASU building I was in as it was the location in which I graduated and was awarded my Masters Degree.

I found seats within the student section. One thing had not changed since my last visit; there were still very few people in the stands. But, I did find a few holdovers from when I was a consistent presence at the arena. My friend from high school was still sitting with his family and he was clad in full ASU paraphernalia. The leaders of the student section were located in their normal seats and attempting to instruct the thin section on what cheers to execute to improve the spirit of the team. I spoke with my Master’s chair person as he was taking in the game with his daughter. It is a pretty great ego boost when you can tell someone that has studied film his entire life and taught you a majority of what you know of the art, that you have worked with one of the greatest directors in the history of American cinema and have his cellphone number. That made me smile and allowed for another realization, oh my God, I am a pretty amazing person and have already succeeded in so many ways.

The game was fairly uneventful. Fans cheered on dunks and three point baskets. People stood for T-shirts and men stared at the cheerleaders. I watched as a guy tried to pick up on a pair of women in front of me to only watch them ignore him as they manipulated their cell phones. Moments later, they laughed and pointed at the man behind his back. These are the little reminders that I was back at ASU.

Game one was in the books and the Devils won. Next mission was Suns game. This one would be with company.

When you worry about things, when you abuse your mind with the doubts of failing, you will fail. If you worry about getting a ticket, you’ll end up getting a ticket at some point. If you worry yourself with failing a class, you will fail that class. If you worry about not getting a job, you will not get the job. It is a cycle. Whatever it is that you don’t want, you will get. Whatever it is that you do want, you will never get. See, life will kill you when you use the words want and need. If you want something, don’t say you want it, go get it. If you need something, think of what you have, think of what you’ve needed in the past and remember how unfulfilling it ended up being.

Take life as it comes. Take life without having any expectations. If you want something, get it, try it, do it. You will never know if you really want it until you have had it. Don’t worry about what you may lose or may have had. If it means anything to you, it will not be going anywhere.

Ok, that felt a little preachy. I guess it is the environment I am in being back home. I am suffocated by the wants and needs of everyone, without the actions to accomplish them. As I said on film, “Life is a mushroom trip. You can make it a good trip by being happy. Or, you can make it a bad trip by worrying about everything.” Choose the good script, it will be so much more fun.

My friend arrived at my brothers house and we left. We drove to Tempe to leave the car and take the lightrail. It was a good feeling to get back on some public transportation and not have to worry about driving. We arrived at the stadium with some time to spare. Dinner and drinks were had. A ticket was scalped at a price below face value. A homeless man and a homed man were having an argument about life choices as we waited at the crosswalk in front of the stadium. As with any argument, it was confusing on why it started, but the main point could be understood that the homeless man was hoping to get some change, the homed man was upset that he was being pestered. We crossed the street and I would understand it to end with the homed man apologizing and the two of them going to coffee to play chess and talk about world politics. This was not the case, but we all have dreams.

The seats were in the upper deck, but were nice. In normal circumstances they would have been bad seats, but with the price that was paid as well as the first NBA game that I had been to in a while, they were fantastic. Our group was rooting for the Thunder over the Suns as they were the Underdog. Also, the Thunder had James Harden who went to ASU, Kevin Durant who went to UT and Jeff Green who went to Georgetown. There were many themes that caused this choice on team.

The game was very competitive and it ended with a Thunder victory. Our group sat and talked strategy the entire game. We spoke about why certain things were happening. We analyzed every element of the game down to how many towels Steve Nash had wrapped around his body.

A majority of the crowd was obvious Suns fans. They were upset with the poor play of their team. They made excuses on the way out and spoke of bad fouls called by the officials. Luck was a word that was thrown around by many different people wearing skin tight Hill and Stoudemaire jerseys. It felt good to be back inside of a sporting event.

The trip on the lightrail home was interesting as everyone was depressed. Everyone looked defeated and let down. A few fans started a chant for the Cardinals citing that they are the only true team left in town. A few others spoke on the manner of firing a coach and how a few players should not have been traded. All in all, everyone had a reason for why the team lost and everyone was already looking forward to the next distraction.

Sitting on the plastic chair and breathing in the recycled air, I realized how much I had changed. This entire day felt like I was looking through a portal into a life I used to lead. It felt like the Christmas Carol. It was a view into an alternate reality that I led at one point and would have continued if I had not moved. From wearing ASU gear head to toe and micro-managing every action of the team and being hyper-critical even if they win. To, getting emotionally invested in the outcome of a sport that provides very little of lives happiness.

I found this discovery on a train. I was looking out at the city that I grew up in as it flew by with lights on in the few businesses still making money. I glanced over everyone on the train and the long faces seemed to stare right back at me. I felt like I was above it. I felt like this is not what living is all about. My eyes settled on two, young African American kids sitting the row in front of me. They had smiles on their faces. They had joy in their eyes. They looked to be brothers and had just been to their first professional basketball game. They wore knock off jerseys purchased at a thrift store as the tag was still showing on the shirt label. It was funny to see the most joy on that train was on the faces of the people with the least amount of wealth. They were just happy to be alive. They were the way we all used to be.

Sports provide a very amazing distraction from life. It is full of flashy lights and temporary release. It is beautiful to watch and easy to follow. It is the perfect drug for a society upset with the view in the mirror.

I found this out, but I still love sports. Does that mean that I know my fate as a fan, or that I have not found a better drug yet? Either way, sports will not be going anywhere, but you can.

Moral: The teams in which I was rooting one my basketball double header. The matter of things don’t change, but you do as a person. Remove the emotion of worrying and the words want, can’t won’t from your vocabulary to find the key to happiness. 

Hiking through the Past

Over-educated.

Over-saturated.

Over-caffeinated.

I think that the above three lines could be understood as the phrases that will come to embody the twentysomethings.

The thing that is great about life is that you can have complete control over everything that you do. You are not molded into being anything that you do not want to be. Assimilation is death.

I went hiking again. I say again as I used to enjoy the activity quite a bit, but stopped. It had a lot to do with the fact that there are not many places to hike in Austin. Contrary, there are plenty in Phoenix and thus I went hiking again. It was the same as I remembered as the mountain had not moved at all even though I did try to cut it down with the side of my hand. But, everything else changed.

Now, more than ever, people are going to college. People are gaining higher education before they enter the workforce machine of society. I have two college degrees. Those degrees are symbols that yes I can survive challenges and yes I am over-educated to exist.

When people become over-educated they are often called pretentious. This label identifies them as not being accepted for normal conversation. When a conversation evolves itself through the normal pre-curses, these pretentious people will always come off with an air of supremacy.

The great thing about hiking is that it gets you outdoors. This is something that I have been looking forward to for months. The possibility to just go into nature and gain perspective. This is important as my idols all had woods by their homes in which they would often get lost into. I look at hiking as I look at thinking. It is this challenging activity that starts without a clear end and along the way you can get injured but you know when you have stumbled across something truly sublime.

The conversations that I share with people are that of normal things. The weather, work situations, politics, sports, movies, music, TV, books and whatever other hobby questionnaire that gets filled out by our uncomfortable thoughts. I meet new people everyday. There is something amazing when you meet someone you have never spoke to before. You connect on a level that you had not experienced in a while. Sure, we have our closest friends that we love seeing, but we know all about them already. When you meet someone new, everything is new. It is a beautiful thing. But, the challenge lies in what happens after that goes stale. Are you still friends? Are you still romantic? Or, do you just move on to the next new friend?

These journeys that happen in our lives are never supposed to be that important. They are random threads that started with one goal and concluded with an entirely new one. For example, I started this hike to get exercise and get outdoors. I did not intend to journey through my subconscious to the point that everything made sense again. We always get what we need, not exactly what we are looking for. If we look for something, we miss out on the little things as they would distract us from the objective. Why must we always have an objective?

Over-educated, pretentious people love to meet new people so they can exercise the education and views they have. I am terrible and have been known to do this quite often. As a society, we are programmed to ask why something happened and then register an opinion on either side of the argument so we chime in on the discussion. We do this without ever knowing what we are really doing.

We continue to debate about others actions and morals. We talk about what is happening in everyone else’s life as it provides comfort to our own. Is that not shallow? Is that not exactly what we told ourselves that we would never do? We are creatures of action, not discussion.

Ok, this is a random jamble of awesome. But, this is how my mind was working as I reached the summit of the mountain. As I looked over the rows and rows of Track homes with the brown cloud of pollution hovering over I realized that I was not alone. I realized that this place is full of people that are doubting their lives. People that are questioning their actions and their decisions. People that just need to stop thinking and trying to fix everything.

Remember this my over-educated friends with the doubt of generations of possibilities on your shoulders. There is nothing to fix. Nothing is broken. Everything is in its right place and everything will work out as it should. This planet and this energy that we breathe in has been around for longer than we could imagine and is not going anywhere. There is no reason to get worked up over the smallest of details nor will what time of jeans you wear cure your soul.

Connect with new people. Keep your old friends. Long for challenges that will make you a new person. Do not try and hold onto your memories as you will miss out on new ones. The longer you stay in sorrow, the longer your grieving period when you realize that the clock of time has no pause button. Always be moving forward and know that each morning when you wake up you are stronger than the previous evening when you went to slumber.

Moral: Go outside and get some exercise, it will make your mind sharper. Connect with new people as you never know when you are about to meet your new best friend. Keep your old friends, as they will always make you feel like a kid and you have been through a lot together. Seize the day, stop reading this and call someone you need to apologize to or embrace a challenge that will re-shape how you think of yourself.

Day One

Day One.

It always amazes me just how easily it is to fall into a routine. Life is like this endless list of days that fall into a routine of existence. When I think of routine, it is usually negative. I think of routine as being boring and something that I would not want. But, I found out that routine is good and needed.

Everything was still the same. Everything looked the same. But, everything felt different.

I woke up in the house that I lived in for the last three years. Everything was pretty much in the same spot when I left. Paintings by the entryway, television hanging on the mantle and beer from Four Peaks awaiting me in the refrigerator. The only thing that had changed was me.

The routine that I fell into Austin was needed to provide structure. The routine worked out well when I first arrived. I was being challenged, but had enough confidence in myself to go forward in the face of these questions. But, as my confidence was chipped at and my mind was overwhelmed, everything took the turn to negative town.

To make sense of my new, old setting I went for a walk. See, this is a very important element as the staple of my existence resides in the walks I take. These walks have led to many an important thought, many a release of anger, many a pathway through the forest of doubt. I need these walks as they provide my level out moments in life and when life is rolling well, these walks lead to a little spot of nirvana found in the clouded mind.

The routine in Austin became so nasty that everything was engulfed. It is harder for positive spirit and light to remain in an area than it is for darkness and doubt to take over. It is harder to be happy than depressed. Depression is easy. Depression is giving up. Depression is allowing pity for yourself for the actions that you have registered. Depression allows you to turn that personal mirror on the outside world, because you are too scared to locate the problem within your own spirit.

This walk led to many memories. As awful as it sounds, it was a walk down memory lane. The thoughts raced and I laughed at the moments that I will always cherish and relished in the moments when I faced my largest challenges and survived. It was a walk that I had not enjoyed in Austin for a few months. My life there has felt like a constant test. This test that no matter what I do, I am not good enough. Whatever I think is not right. Whatever I do, I need to explain to everyone close as I have so little confidence in myself that I need someone else to make these decisions, like what cereal to get, for me. I was a lost cause.

I ended this walk with a smile on my face and pain in my foot from a splinter. Everything seemed to be leveling out a bit as I made my route around the neighborhood. I returned to the house and prepared for a lunch with friends. It was so relieving to actually have friends and people that know me to meet with and talk. We made plans to go to a soul food restaurant in Phoenix and did so.

Before this continues, there is a note that may or may not be significant. It is not of utter importance in my life any more, but is interesting when you think about serendipity and life. The day, in which I am speaking, was the four-year anniversary of the death of a girl that I had gone out with. It is strange how time truly heals and allows you for a perspective on things that were never possible when you are inside of the situation. Anyway, the lunch was set up for my two closest friends and my brother. These are the same people that spent time with me four-years prior as we waited with tired eyes and exhausted spirits at the hospital bed. It is funny what life gives you and what you make with the moments.

We made it to my friends place of work. He was waiting outside and looked different. It is strange as we have these memories of how people looked in the stories that we have in our mind. We have these outdated pictures of how people are supposed to look. And, if they change, it takes us back. This was my experience, he still looked like my best friend, but he looked wiser. He looked more settled. He looked like an adult.

We drove to LoLo’s Chicken and Waffles off of Buckeye and Central in Phoenix. It was the first time that I had ever attended this establishment. It is famous for having the best soul food in Phoenix and my friend frequently attended. When I lived in the area, I told him one drunken night that I wanted to come here. I thought, what better day to do this than my first day back in Phoenix. See, even though I am no longer in Austin for the time being, I can still go out and discover some new experiences.

My other best friend joined us and he was clad in a shirt and tie. We sat at the table and talked about life. We talked about accomplishments. We talked about desires and kids. We talked about possible job changes and relocations. We spoke in very serious terms about beer and football. It felt like old times. It was amazing how easy it was to pick up right where we left off. That is the amazing thing about the people that you Love, you can always have your guard down and know that whatever you say, they will listen. We had become adults. We were not where we intended to be, but we were surviving.

I started this off with the word routine, as it is something that suffocated me when I lived in Arizona. But, after being away it is something that has sparked my positive feelings again. Hanging out with my friends and talking beer, walking around the basketball court that was my tool to conquer my demons, watching sports and talking about college. These are the things that I missed. These are the things that have pieced together who I am. These are the things we need so we remember that there are people who care about us. Though, it is important to not get too caught up in the past and what you have done, but it is a good way to relax and level out as life has beaten you down a bit.

Moral. Create a routine that allow you some structure, but break it before it breaks you. Live life with the most positive spirit you can as there is always someone, somewhere who you mean the world too. Life is too short to hold grudges. See you tomorrow!

Cassadaga Christmas

Cassadaga Christmas

Something happens when you are completely alone and awake without any possible distraction for 15 hours. You think. You think about everything. You try and remember why you did certain things. You wonder what would have happened if you didn’t say one thing or take one chance.

All of these things are stemmed with a single theme. That theme is doubt.

This was the situation that was placed in front of me yesterday.

I had a very long drive to return to my hometown for the Holidays. I was to make the same drive that took me from my last chapter, except this one was reversed. And, this one was alone.

I have completed my first Act in Austin. I moved to this city with the dreams of a childhood in which I always wanted to be noticed. I always wanted to be liked. I always wanted to be known. I always wanted to be Loved.

Austin was my city in which all of these dreams would come true. I will not sit here and say everything went according to plan, but I will not be negative about the completion of Act one.

If I were to grade myself it would have to be an Incomplete. I accomplished things that I never thought that I would even with my best of chances. I cowardly surrendered other things because my vanity caused me to close my heart. I fought and struggled with life on levels that I never knew I could.

I survived.

When I was on set for my first movie, I thought that I never wanted to return to that culture. It was a constant unknown. It was 14 hour days with different stresses arising that I was ill-prepared to handle. As anyone close to me could tell you, it is exhausting for me to ask for assistance or accept defeat.

When the days were over, I went home and thought to myself about how I could call in sick the next day. What could I come up with so I wouldn’t have to face these future difficulties. I was trying to find a way out.

Courage. It is a word that I can really label my actions with, but I think that is the word of my Austin experience. That is the word that allowed me to battle through the bleakest of times and to truly love the best.

What I did find out while being on a film set, is that as soon as the last shot is taken and Martini Cut is yelled by the director, I didn’t want it to end. I never wanted to leave and felt like I let myself down for being so stressed over these challenges.

This story of my film experience is my metaphor for the greater Austin Act one. It caused me the most stress that I have ever faced in my life. It caused me to become an Insomniac on three different occasions. It caused me to drink more beer and see more music that I thought was possible as I was looking for any numbing of my conscious.

But, it also provided me with the greatest moments of my life. I had the happiest days spent with my roommates playing Monopoly and watching movies. Working on a film set and discussing the New York Times crossword backstage at the theater. Understanding what it is to truly live without any structure.

This is just a brief sampling of what was racing in my mind as I trekked from Austin to Phoenix. I sped through the flatlands of West Texas. I survived the winds of New Mexico. I crawled through the mountains of Southeast Arizona and arrived home again.

Along the way, I wondered where I was going? What was I doing? What had I done? What will I do? Will it work out? Will it be better? Or Worse?

I drove threw Iraan and was sure that I had just finally wrote the play that was going to get me that first big paycheck. I cruised through Van Horn and was positive that I was to be alone for the rest of my life. After El Paso I was ready to join a gym and work out everyday. In Willcox I mapped out how to finally start to grow the garden at the house back in Austin. In Phoenix I realized that I was a new person.

Life is full of these things. These problems. These dramas. These excitements. These things that are connected that cause us to question and analyze everything that we have done. On my trip, my mind was over-heating not only because of being alone for that long of a period, but because it is the holiday season.

The Holidays mean that you need to be happy. They are a time when everyone can take a break from turning the wheel. We can enjoy some slower times and hang out with our closest family. Those people could be actual family or the closest friends that you have. When I thought about this during my drive, I looked around my vacant car and was doing it alone.

I am a very lucky person to have an amazing family and set of friends in my life. They do anything for me and are always supportive. But, I want more. I want to abandon this feeling in the pit of my stomach that causes my brain to not be able to shut off. I don’t know exactly what the cure is, but am trying to find it.

It is the end of the year. It is the end of an amazing year, a horrible year or a whatever year. It is up to you to decide. I found out how the highest highs can be higher than I ever imagined and the lowest lows can be pretty confidence breaking. All in all, I am going to pick myself up and only worry about the future.

This is my message to you. What has happened is done. There is nothing to change it. You need to look back and reflect about how it happened. When you found that high of the year, find out what caused that and work your tail off to do it again. Those things that caused you to question everything, need to be understood so you can recognize the identifiers before they crush you.

Austin was my Utopia. Like any other Utopia, it was brilliant when it was first constructed. But, human nature interfered and greed caused cracks in the foundation. Doubt gave way to anger that caused blame to topple over the most beautiful ideal in the world. Pity allowed me to kick around for a while and mash the foundation into even smaller pieces. It concluded with desperation and escape.

So, I am here now. I have hit the reset button. I am working on slowing everything down. I just found a flashlight. I am preparing myself for the journey back to the mess I left in Austin. I know what I have to do and just need to start. It will work out. It always done. I just need to be open.

So, my friends. I send you with this. Happy Holidays and if you are depressed watching everyone else try to be so happy, do not worry, you are not alone. If you have broken something, try and fix it. It maybe completely different after, but it will just be a natural progression. If you are happy, keep the positive thing in your life that causes you to glow.

For me, I will be fine. I am with family and friends. I am finding out that I am a pretty good guy, but sometimes I can be a reaper of bitterness.

Moral: Enjoy your loved ones. Don’t worry about the questions in your mind and make positive actions. Go onward without spite or jealousy. In order to be loved, you need to Love.