Aloha.
It’s been so long since I have looked at this blank page and let my fingers dance along the keyboard.
This is being written in the very early moments in the morning as the brain is humming through so many possibilities it feels like a match book in the hands of groom to be as he ponders if this is what he thought it would all end up like.
So, things in Austin have been strange. Everyday has been a roller coaster. Not a ride from top to bottom. But more level, of good days to great days.
Rather than bore you with the many details and just how they unfolded. Without placing judgment on any other party than my own.
When I started this project it was a celebration. It was a piece to celebrate the new activities and moments in my life. I would update this little blog, my friends would read it and get excited as their imaginations wondered with the great adventures that I was enjoying.
My Austin friends would read it and then we would talk about the places and just how amazing everything was.
Times were good. The writing was good. It was fluff, but when you are in love or lust, life itself is nothing but fluff as you float along.
Somewhere along the lines this project took a left hand turn off the cliff of puppies and rainbows. It went into a cycle of depression and became ashamed of itself. The posts became dark and filled with loathing and pity.
In essence, I became what it was that I hated.
See, here is where this post is going to change from where I would have gone. I would have continued down this path of hating everything and looking for the cracks in the things around me.
This time, I am going to embrace it all. This post is in large credit to a found Hope in humanity. Hope is an interesting thing as it is not material and simply in the conscious, therefore can be found or lost at any moment.
I think the issue that I have always had is that I always have to be happy. This is because I think that I have it all figured out. As with life, once you have it by the string it will rock your world and see if you can pick yourself up again.
I am back in the classroom. I think this goes a long way to why everything has leveled out. It is not just the fact that I am sitting in a class and learning. It is the community in which I identify.
The following will be examples of things that I have never done and if it is in error, please let me know as I could always use some good information.
But, when you are a soldier and you come back you are still a soldier. You are a soldier trying to fit back into society. The longer you fight what you truly are, the harder it will be to survive. You try and fit into the “norm” that everyone else is supporting so you can just coast right on by. What you don’t know, work needs to be done and you will never be the same person you were before.
If you have been a salesman for 40 years and then retire. Selling things has been your motivation for those years, then you just have to relax and play golf. Depression hits the retired the hardest as they do not know what to do with the new freedoms of just being. They have been trained to do something and to just take it away can be crippling.
I have been trained to be a thinker. I have been in the classroom most of my life and that is where I feel most comfortable. I enjoy other things and sometimes hate it; but it is my first Love. Sitting around and talking about gossip or other people or watching fluff movies and television spark this depression inside of me. Then, the judgments of the “normal” people in society get tossed on and the pit becomes ever growing.
I was recently given one of the greatest compliments during a heated exchange. You are a storyteller; this was the line. I said thank you, smiled and I thought maybe I have arrived.
It is human condition to be afraid of what we do not understand and to compete. The more that I learn, the less I know. What I do gather is that these two experiences are linked with vanity. Nothing good can come out of being vain. There is no reason to go down a path for someone else or live the life you have not imagined in order to keep the boat steady.
Rock the boat. The best people have been those in which a label was placed on them of lunacy at the time. This label allowed the oppressed people to excuse themselves from leading the life of their dreams.
The thing about emotions is that they can change on a moment to moment basis and you are the only person in charge of them.
One of my greatest flaws is empathy. I am empathetic and want to help everyone; therefore I take myself away from my journey. This causes me to assume that if I make someone else whole and happy, they will in turn do the same for me. The thing is not their fault as they do not need the added pressure of my happiness.
When you expect something in return, it will never be there. I have found that being completely selfish and understanding that all of my happiness comes from inside. That this happiness should not be hidden for the comfort of vain others, but should be expressed with those people that appreciate it.
Everyday is a new adventure again. I am in a sense of discovery and it is leading to enlightenment. This enlightenment is found each evening when I place my head down to rest.
Embrace not being able to sleep and enjoy the thoughts, embrace being depressed as you are not alone and the more you hide it, the more you go along the path of the unfulfilled.
Make everything uncomfortable as that is where the growth happens. If everything is comfortable and you are surrounded with people who do not challenge you, you will never attain the dreams you have built in the sky.
I do have a bit of confession for this discourse. These words are not solely mine as this has been pieced together with random threads of conversation with my classmate. These talks have taken place around the city usually over a chessboard and some poorly thought out moves. It is amazing where the mind can go when you take away the censors and let it run free. It is scary, in a good way.
Moral: Welcome back Austin, time for a new beginning. Rock the boat and when the dust settles, the closest Loves will still be there. Knowledge is power, the more you know, the better prepared you are for the struggle. Embrace every emotion as pain and sorrow can be just as important as happiness.
