The End of It for the Evolution

Aloha readers.

This is a departure from myself. Rather, this is the piece that I am entering into the Austin Makes a Book collaboration.

Enjoy.

Dear Phil,

Today I am a writer. Today is a good day.

Yesterday I was your loving wife. Yesterday was a bad day.

I will start in the middle for you. We start in the middle of everything. There is no beginning. There is an end, but we don’t remember it.

The middle. That is what we are left with. We never know what we are getting into until we hit the middle. Until we hit the crossroad.

The crossroad makes you look back and gauge what has happened. Are you too far from the front to go back? Is moving forward just, easier?

I am stuck in the room of a house that is a trap. It is a trap of my existence. When this started it was to be marvelous.

That is the beauty of life.

The middle. That is where I am. I am stuck in this middle of the house. This middle of the street. This middle of Arizona.

I had a religion that I gave up when we met. It is Transcendentalism. I was a Romantic; you made me rational.

I know that I think too much. I know that I read too much. I know that I have lost connection with any human being. I know that the radio does not talk back. I know that I am losing my mind.

Know this, when you spend your life inside of a house filled with nothing but stale air, you lose any sense of the present.

I know you are confused with this Tom, but I am speaking directly to you. We have not spoken in months and I just need to get it all out.

This is what is called in the theatre industry as an opening monologue. I know this because I was once a writer.

I did not always study business Tom. I was a revolutionary.

I remember when life made so much more sense. I would just think and write and drink wine and smoke weed. Complain about everything that I knew nothing about and fall in Love with the most beautiful ideals of people.

I was special. Not many women were in the program. I was a rarity of existence, until I quit.

I wrote about my life. I wrote about my dreams. I wrote about the future, but it was all too scary.

Society tore me down to what I thought was the truth. The truth that being a writer, an artist, was a dream of a child. Foundation is needed; and creativity is not stable.

I broke. I tossed in the towel, but told myself I would still write everyday.

I found myself in Love with you, Tom, a software technician. You had me settle. I stopped growing. I stopped writing. I was content with being muted for you.

I just needed a break from living for a while. You were that break. I was content with being muted for you.

That was six years ago. I have not been attracted to you for the past five and a half.

I am moving to Austin. This is to be good-bye.

You will see the divorce papers under this letter.

Please just sign where the little sticky pointers are. You will see that I want nothing.

This is not your fault, I am just not the woman you fell in Love with. She was a fraud.

Hey, we gave it a shot. This is your clean canvas.

Sincerely,

Kathleen

P.S. Tomorrow I am going to be a Freshman again. Tomorrow is unknown and that’s the beauty of it.

Mornings

Each morning in Austin.

Every morning I wake up to the same feeling. I do not know what the feeling means other than it never leaves. I have a very pressurized, pounding headache. I have a clogged up nose and a pain in my stomach that I cannot quite place. These pains are intensified after an evening of drinking and can be crippling. Is this me getting old or is this just life?

I have discovered this trait in myself. I have a knack for always wanting something that I cannot have. There is a constant struggle within myself for these things that are not attainable. And, when I get the thing that I have wanted, I have a way of either killing it or understanding that it was not the good to begin with.

I thought these pains were stress related. Then I figured out something, I don’t really have anything to be stressed about. I then thought I had something wrong with me, I dismissed that as I know I have something wrong with me, we all have something wrong with us. I concluded that it is life. It is a part of getting older. It is a part of growing up. We will never be as strong as we were the day before, but we will be wiser and that is the most important part.

I do not know if this sense of want and this desire for things is a human quality or an American idea. To be honest, I have not done enough research nor am I smart enough to analyze which of these possibilities it falls into. What I do know is my own life. I do know that everything always appears better on the other side. One thing will make your life perfect, then I get that one thing, and it causes more harm then good. I then must get an even bigger and better thing to try and make me happy. It is a cycle.

Growing up is difficult as you never know about it until it is too late. One day you wake up and the last 10 years are a blur, you look to the person next to you and wonder when you lost the connection with the love of your life. Where did that love go and why? That is the word that will plague you when you go through the cliffnotes of your life. When you apply Why to any circumstance it causes a rush of thoughts that you will shake your head at. The main word that will come from this application is a way of describing most of those moments that register, foolish.

We have non stop advertising imprinting our conscious with tons of items that we need. We are overwhelmed with how we are to dress and look. How we are supposed to be thin as only thin people are happy. How men are supposed to do hardwork and women the laundry. I know that these constructs are changing, but how much influence do we give to the people we have never met?

I do not mean to be negative, as many of you will go through your past with a smile and think of how smart and wise you were concerning certain actions. To you, I applaud. You have already let go of the past enough to understand that it is the past. There is nothing there to control the future. It is there to be a positive loop of thoughts of when we younger. Let the positive thoughts of the past come alive in the present and remember the person you were. That word foolish is a good thing. Think of how foolish some of the actions were, but how happy they made you. Bring a little joy into your life if it is filled with clouds and confusion.

Moral: I should probably see a doctor. Remove the words want and why from your analysis of yourself to bring a little peace. Cherish the memories you have with the ones you love as in the end, that is all we have.

Energy

(Yes, that is the original Rabbit)

An Evening in September of 2009.

I am in a good mood.

On the occasion when this happens, it makes writing difficult. I have made a career, yes, I said career, out of writing about my misery. I am so trite when I write that but it is true. Everything that I have ever really wrote, was created for some negative reason. But, today it will be different. Today I will write happy.

A bar is a bar. It is an establishment that people go to in order to be social or be drunk. Those are the two reasons I go to these places and I found myself there when this occurred. The only different is that I was not there to be social or drunk; I was there to play chess. I am an avid chess player and anyone that knows the game, knows that it is a mirror of life.

I love to listen to Bright Eyes. He is a very melodramatic writer that can match my thoughts perfectly when I am melancholy. This caused me to think about how important music is in our lives. It is the soundtrack of everyone of my memories. I always have my music on and it feels like it becomes my conscious. Therefore, when I am listening to Bright Eyes rattle through an emotional rant about his broken heart, I see everything with a depressing tint.

Chess is this mirror as it is a game that is strictly logic. It is a game that I win when I am focused, calm and smart. The problem is that all three of these elements rarely mesh and therefore my game can be very random. Chess is easier than living as it is even. When I start a chess game, I have the same amount of pieces as my competitor and it is always a clean slate. Life is not that fair sometimes.

When I listen to Vampire Weekend, I am happy no matter the circumstance. I can flip on Odelay by Beck and just start dancing. I think that I control my mood each morning by the music that I play. Everything in this world can be cruel or magnificent. It is up to my interpretation and within that logic do I want to be happy or mad? Am I a masochist if I enjoy feeling depressed?

The chess session I am speaking of occurred at Rabbit’s. It is literally a hole in the wall. I sat with my friend Rob outside on a picnic table. The establishment consisted of a room with a bar and television. While seated outside, there was no need to enter as a window like that of a fast food restaurant faced the picnic style seating area to allow for easy beer and alcohol orders. Any who, this was my first time at this locale. I sat with Rob; we played chess, discussed philosophy and drank Shiner.

It is always better to feel pain than to never feel anything. Well, that is up for debate as when a bottom is hit and depression takes over it is awful. But, without that struggle you do not get the highs of your life. I do not get the feeling of pure joy that I do this afternoon. A goal of this whole living thing is to always have a short term memory. Never get too down about what has happened. Never get to anxious for the challenges on the horizon. Build the courage to attack the moment in front of you. Never simply wait. Patience is important, but waiting without growth causes a loss of contact with the world around you.

The games went back and forth. It is interesting as Rob and I are very similar in terms of playing chess. The more that we talk and understand the make up of the other, the more that I realize that we have much in common away from the chessboard. It is a connection that is strange, but one that makes sense. If chess is a mirror of your life, when you play someone that plays in the same way that you do. When you slowly start to understand what that means to your game, you slowly understand how the other persons mind works in the same way that mine does.

So, I am happy. This is difficult as when I find myself happy, everything is a joke. I think the greatest works of comedy are the people who take the most depressing situation and shed some positive light onto it. When I was in school at ASU, a famous playwright visited with the class. It was a very troubling day for me as a few hours earlier a break had occurred. What I heard from that playwright that day; changed my outlook.

He said that everything in this world is energy. Everything that we touch and think about has an energy field. It is up to us to decide how that energy will be used. If it is negative, you can switch it to be positive. If it is positive, work to keep it that way. Once something switches, it is not gone forever. It simply needs to be nurtured back to the way you want it. Everyone in this world is a good person, some actions are bad, some emotions are spiteful, but deep down we always try our hardest and have good hearts.

I will leave this post with the thought that we have mirrors everyday. These mirrors are different depending on what we enjoy to do. For me, it is chess. It is a mirror as when I am settled, my game is strong. When I am lost, my game is lost. Find the things and the people that make you settled. Continue to be positive and keep the energies level.

Moral: Go to Rabbit’s just to experience it. Play chess as it is so very calming and challenging. Step back and look at your life as a comedy; the negativity will shed itself and you will be left to laugh and be positive. Lastly, dance more!

Symmetry

Monday, October 18, 2009

I am writing this in one of the coolest coffee shops that I have ever entered. It is called ‘The Flightpath.” It is located off of 51^st St. and Airport. It has a very distinct retro feel. The furniture is from the 1960’s and I am sitting at a table with a seashell lamp that looks like something I would find in Lake George with my grandparents. I have fallen down a rabbithole in the world of “Mad Men” and everyone around me has an Apple labtop.

This will be brief and fragmented. I am on my second cup of coffee and my mind is going at light speed right now. I ask you to fall down the rabbithole with me on this Monday morning. It will be fun, I promise.

I sit in Austin and try to fit myself into so many different molds. I watch so much of other people and what they do. I read about the great artists and how they became great. I look at my happy friends and try to understand why they are happy. What are they doing that I am not?

How are they so happy? Is there is a special formula that I missed out on at child birth?

What I have found is that everyone is struggling. This world is a struggle. Breathing is a struggle. Surviving is a struggle. Working is a struggle. Happiness is a struggle.

What I do understand is that you need to be yourself.

Follow your own passions and never worry about other people. If they truly care for you, they will be there not to judge you, but support you.

This life is not a competition. Do not read other things that tell you are too fat and not good enough.

Do not compare what you have done or where you are at with anyone else.

The formula that allowed someone else to be successful will not be the same for you as everyone is different.

Everyone has their own passions and thoughts. Follow them. Do not listen to the society and allow them to tear down what you are.

“You think about yourself so much you ruin who you are.” ~ Bright Eyes

Be yourself. Be happy with yourself. If you are not, be someone else. What you were yesterday will not dictate what you will be tomorrow.

Be patient with things working out as they always do.

We are what we are and that is something to never apologize about and embrace. If you cannot embrace the soul you have, how can you allow anyone else to?

Love everything in this world. Love the feel of grief. Love the feel of Love. Love the feel of fear.

Love it all as it is all that we have in this place.

When the music stops and there is no time left in the hour glass it is all that we have.

Will you look back with a smile or a frown?

Will you Love the moments that pieced together like a jigsaw puzzle that allowed a collage of your life?

Or, will you be filled with regret for not enjoying the moments that life had offered you?

Either way, it is something that we will never know until that moment happens.

I am trying to get out there and enjoy the music as it plays. I do not want that feel of regret. I feel that regret for them moments that I have already ruined in the past.

Concluding, regret is the worst of any of the feelings. The only way to avoid it is to always be honest and understanding.

Moral: Mondays can be great if you find a retro coffeeshop that just makes you smile. Go onward and enjoy the little beauties that life has to offer in the details of the construct.

Balance

Balance.

Friday, October 9, 2009.

The title is a dead give-away about this post. I am sorry for my lack of concealing the theme.

I have recently found out that there is a Nationwide event that is slowly sweeping the country. This event recently stopped in Austin and I made my way to it. I was planning on possibly attending when I first heard about it. But, when I found out “White Ghost Shivers” were playing for the event, of course I was on board. The event was “Lebowski Fest.”

As this life I lead spirals into random directions that go from happy to sad in moments I have found out something. As I read that I laugh as I make it sound like I have only one piece of knowledge and when I think of that thought, it is pretty accurate. This piece of information that I am about to enrich your life with is the understanding of balance.

“Lebwoski Fest” is a festival devoted to the film “The Big Lebowski.” This festival started in Kentucky and is now mobile. The festival consists of two evening. The first evening provides entertainment with a musical band followed by the viewing of the film. The second evening consists of bowling and lots of it. Both evening have the undertone of excessive drinking with the drink of choice to be that of a “White Russian.”

Balance is a very important element in surviving. I understand this now as there have been many moments when I have lost balance and my survival failed. I am still alive, yes, but I have many not so proud moments that can be linked with childish behavior that I have hurt people with when I have not acted in a mature manner. I will not get into further details, but understand that balance is the most crucial part to existing, as without it, life can be overwhelming.

I arrived at Stubb’s warmed up with a few Shiner’s and was ready to find bar to enjoy a few white Russians. I walked through the crowd and noticed many fans clad in their favorite character wardrobe. There were a few Dude’s and many a Walter’s. This made me think of how awesome people are and a good time was most certainly in order.

A balance is created with work and school. A balance between work and social commitments. A balance of chemicals in your brain. A balance between work and play. There is a balance for everything in this world. There is a balance for the thoughts in my brain and a balance for the actions that I have done. Good and bad is never an issue as that is always up for negotiation. The issue with this balance is how are you going to get through your life.

I walked in the bar to find the amazing Cella and Steven. We chatted for a little bit before they excused themselves to take care of some business. There was a television in the corner of the establishment. This television was playing a game with my beloved Yankees against the Minnesota Twins. In the past, I would be glued to the television, sitting there hanging on every pitch. But, on this evening as has become part of my new life in Austin, I did not care as much and turned past it to order my white Russian. A shift had occurred in my chemical make-up.

The importance of this theme of balance and “Lebowski fest” is that the film is the perfect balance. It is the great balance of humor and tragedy. It utilizes a structure that has forever been known for mystery and spun it on its head to create a masterpiece. It has a perfect balance of clever, dumb humor and societal themes that make it a study into the human condition.

A half dozen white Russians in I was feeling warm. The weather was very chilly and was the coldest day that I had experienced in Austin. I enjoyed a very engaging conversation with Stephen about Flagstaff, AZ. It concluded with the fact of avoid the train tracks when you have been drinking in excess. I think that is a good idea for life actually. Outside the bar, the Shivers were off to another amazing performance. The energy that band can create on that stage can overwhelm the most lost of hearts.

I would happily say that “The Big Lebowski” is my favorite comedy of all time. If you have never seen the film, I have just ruined it for you. If you agree with me, then you my friend, are a smart person. Let me explain, I have ruined the film for those who have not watched it as it is not “The Hangover.” I know, I know, everyone loved that film. It was so funny and just perfect. I agree, I enjoyed the film. But, that film has no staying power. It was great for its time, but it is something that will fade in time.

The thing with “Lebowski,” is it betters with age. You cannot sit down and watch that film one time with the expectations of it being great, because it will not be. Trust me, I did that. The first time I watched the film I did not like it. I did not understand it and everyone else liked it so much, I felt like I had to hate it. What I have discovered over time is that the film is so brilliant in terms of its societal themes and humor. I will not continue to rant, but if you would like to sit down and enjoy a pitcher of beer, I would love to go through each scene with how complex it is.

The Shivers concluded their set, which was amazing, to a very raucous crowd. There were a pair of dancing bowling pins and a gentleman that danced the entire show. Now, I do not know if these three people were strategically placed in the crowd, but I doubt it. I do know this, the Shivers made many new fans that night and I am becoming a hardcore groupie.

Wrapping this short piece up I will say fight for the balance. Know the balance that is needed in your life to fulfill your maximum potential. Do not settle for less than what you are as the balance between your conscious and heart will know about it. Enjoy “Lebowski” as it found the balance between making a tragedy into a comedy.

Remember that everything we do on this planet is really not that important. Each of us is fighting our own battles on a daily basis. Be there to help each other, not hurt. Everyone on this planet is good, there are moments we are bad when the balance doesn’t work. Don’t dwell in those areas. Don’t work too much. Don’t play too much. Don’t drink too much. Don’t think too much.

Let it just flow baby.

The above was more of a assertion to my own spirit and mind then it was to anyone else who is reading.

Moral: “Lebowski Fest” is a very good time. “White Ghost Shivers” would be able to rock out a nursing home with the positive energy they have. Keep the balance in your life.

Evolution (Offered by the AZ Correspondent)

Larvae → Caterpillar → Butterfly

…a true life metaphor.

High School -- College -- Austin

Circles

Sunday, October 11th, 2009.

Connections.

This blog has to do with how much I am living in my own head. Therefore, this is going to be a strange journey into the conscious that is understood as “The Williamstrasse.”

It is a Sunday. It is 8 AM. I have my New York Times under my arm. I am walking through the rain on a very wet morning. I find a coffee shop that is open. My cell phone is dead. I have Radiohead playing in my headphones. I have a coffee mixed with Bailey’s. Today is going to be a good day. Also, this is another favorite coffee shop as they serve animal crackers with you coffee. Um, awesome!

I constantly think of circles. I think of my mind as a circle. I think of life as a circle. I think of running as a circle. I have thoughts solely on circles. Everything is a circle and everything is everything. This is the fundamental understanding that provides the groundwork for my actions. This is not my foundation as I most certainly stole it from Emerson. See, everything flows like water through this existence having everything in the past connected with everything in the future. Crazy, I know.

It is an amazing feeling to not have a cell phone. It is like being set free. You do not have to worry about anything outside of yourself. You can just think about the moment and have no anxiety about what is happening to anyone around you. This is a feeling that is amazing and causes me much joy. See, I love my cell phone as it keeps me in contact with everything that is around me in terms of family and friends. All of these elements are crucial to a happy life; but sometimes these forces are the reason for the stress.

The circle is the most perfect form. When it comes to building, it is the triangle because it can be built upon and allows for equal weight distribution throughout. When it comes to life, it is the circle. A triangle in life has points and finite conclusions. A circle is never ending. There is no beginning nor end. There is no middle or break. It just keeps going on. Also, it is a great metaphor for the rat race that is the distractions that become our life while we try to fight through the constant progress that sometimes we love and other times we deflect.

I have become Norm from Cheers. I do not go to bars that much, any more, but I have learned to live inside of other establishments. I feel like a disjointed transient with no actual home. Rather, I go to coffee shops and make small talk with the people there. I make this small talk to try and create a connection. To try and have human interaction for my spirit and just have someone tell me it is going to be okay. Everything is going to be fine and keep coming back for more coffee so we can discuss philosophy and make sense of everything. I call these my coffee friends, no it is not very creative, but it is fitting.

These circles are not only within my thoughts, but it is in every element of my life. I have a social circle. I have a work circle. I have a creative circle. I have a drinking circle. I have you name it and there is a circle. The thing is some of these circles are bigger than others. Some of these circles become so small that they are suffocating. The only way to maintain a healthy level between these circles are to have them grow when they need to grow. To have them shrink when limitations need to be placed on them. Like anything in life, moderation is the key to happiness. I can not only live within my work circle as I will start to hate my work. I cannot only live in my drinking circle, as I will become an alcoholic and sap the joy and celebration out of drinking. I cannot only live in my creative circle, as I will end up in a padded room in an establishment off of Lamar and 51^st St.

I trot along to different places across Austin in search of something that is not there. I am out searching for a mirage when I know that it is unattainable. I am like the traveler looking for the fountain of youth. As I try and stay young forever, I am going to ruin my youth and once I accept that I will be too old to enjoy my life. I am out every night and every day to try and be complete. To find that perfect friend and discussion. To find the perfect place that sparks the perfect thought that creates the perfect story that gives me the perfect break that this world owes to me. I have news for myself, the moment I am looking for is unattainable and if I keep looking I am going to miss out on the music playing through karma right now.

The circles I speak of create the harmony that I live within my mind. They provide a sense of reason. They provide a set of rules that I can understand. As I have learned and studied the key to living is discipline. That is not the only key, but for the level of this post it will be. See, the most successful people are the most disciplined. It is not that they have the best thoughts or have a book that allows them to peak into the future. They do not go to fortune tellers now do they have a time machine. But, they are disciplined. This is something that I am working on. The most important element of life is this discipline and what it means to apply it to each circle within your life. I need to be more discipline and exercise the thoughts I have into the actions that I want with conviction in knowing that I will not fail as there is no winning or losing in life, there is just the attempt.

This mission has been understood. I now know what it is that I have to do. I understand the meaning of life and can finally relax. I just need to repeat every action that I am doing now. See, this is the trick with living. You figure out the perfect equation to succeed in a day, but you change so much when your head hits that pillow and you dream, that the same rules and potion is completely out of date the next morning when your alarm goes off. Life is not Groundhog Day where everyday is the exact same and you can waste a few of them to take chances to perfect the proper day. Life is a random abyss of chaos strung together on this circle only because these circumstances continue to happen to you.

The thing I enjoy most about living in these public spaces is becoming a part of the furniture. To put on my music, to blend into the wall or chair that I am sitting, and just watch other people live. I think this is the fascination with reality television now. This has always been an element of society. Humans have a desire to take a break of their noise in order to watch other peoples. This is why I gossip. This is why I read the news. This is why I watch movies. I need these windows to take my destructive brain away from over-analyzing my own actions, and process what it is that others are doing. The problem with having a college education is that you are trained to find reasoning for everything. You are conditioned to make a string of reasons for a random occurrence to happen. When you are released from your classroom, you are not given an instruction manual for how to use this tool you have spent decades fine-tuning. Thus, I am left with a mind that works very well when I understand everything in moderation and overloads to the point of insomnia when it turns itself to its maker and second-guesses every small action on a moment-to-moment basis.

What I know this morning that I will lose this afternoon and fight for this evening is that connections are needed. Connections allow us to escape the reality that we have created in our mind. If you do not escape the circle of thought that is your life, you will be doomed to suffocate under the pressure of living. I will better understand my circles of connections. I will better weigh all that is important to me and balance the perfect solution on a daily basis. Right now everything makes sense, I just need to take this moment and duplicate it for the rest of my life. What would the fun be in that though, the challenge of living is taking on all of these different challenges and surviving them.

Moral: Animal crackers in bailey’s and coffee is the perfect breakfast. Read the New York Times, it is one of the last standing quality publications. Understand the circles that are in your life and how they overlap with other connections and cause you to find harmony in the chaos. Never stop fighting, this life will beat you down, but you have all the tools you need to survive inside of your head.

Fall (My closest Arizona Correspondent)

The following is not something that I wrote. Rather, it was from a letter that one of the closest people to my heart wrote to me.

I think that it is more honest and poetic than anything that I have ever wrote. It moved me to tears the moment that I finished and I think that it needs to be shared with you.

Please enjoy the words and think of how this relates to the current situation you are encountering. Yes, we all are facing something that seems overwhelming, but we will battle through. Each of us are incredibly touch and can handle more than we can imagine.

Therefore, without further adure, here is the best thing I have read in a very long time:

"Homesick is okay.  Currently, I am homesick, too.  I usually struggle this time of year.  This year it’s BIG.  I yearn for the real foliage of Vermont and for the smells and sounds that go with it.  I yearn for a weekend in Quebec City, where the nighttime walks on uneven cobblestone streets are crisp, the creamy smoked chicken crêpes are delicious, and the lights of the Chateau Frontenac Hotel that guards the city from on the hill are radiant.  And, listen, I can hear everyone speaking French.  There’s my Dad, speaking French, too.  Ohhh, yes, these are my other roots.  Doesn’t anyone understand me?  It’s who I am, all over again.   Also, this is when I want to go to NYC.  I love NY in the fall.  It’s a time of mourning for me.  It seems to be a month of “why are we living in Arizona”, “why is there no culture here”, “am I really going to die here”, and especially a time where I want to be in the family room with my Mom and her two cats, Nicky and Heidi.  I want to be just “a daughter” and not a grown-up.  Perhaps we’d be eating popcorn or drinking fresh pressed cider.  It doesn’t matter.  I just want to be there…NOW.  So, yes, I understand!

One thing I’ve come to appreciate are “the seasons”, and the importance of their respective changes.  That’s what’s really ruling us right now. Yes, this is taking me into the Chinese Five Elements.  Sorry, I can’t help myself.  Every season represents a change.  Spring and Fall bring about the most tumultuous times in people’s lives.  Did you know that the highest admission rates for psychiatric hospitals are in the spring/April?  Just thought you’d like to know some useless information.  But..is it really useless?  No.  The Fall and Spring are big “transition” times for life.  Fall represents the Lung and Large Intestine in Chinese Medical Theory.  The smell is pungent (people want more garlic and onions in their food this time of year!!)  Yep…pungent!  The emotion that’s connected with the Fall is “Grief/Sadness/Mourning.  Hello!  Is anybody out there?  The color is “white”.  White reflects all colors, so it’s really not a color at all.  Are the reflections real or are they aberrations?  What are our minds telling us?  Can we trust what our minds tell us?  Or, is it the heart that is speaking?  Okay…I’m digressing to philosophy here.  Back to the Fall.  In Fall, we begin to “gather” the harvest of the year.  It’s a job to “reflect” on what we’ve done.  Did we plant the seeds well in the spring?  Did we make the rows straight?  Were some uneven?  What happened in the summer, the following season? Was this a time of action and joy like it’s supposed to be if we’re in balance, or did we coast a bit and get distracted.  Did we act on our crops?  Did we weed them?  Did we love them?  Or, did we somewhat ignore them?  If so, we had some weeds and critters that tried to eat the tomatoes. Was it a failure crop or a good crop?  So, now, we get to gather “the crop” of life and reflect on it…and prepare it for the dormant season of the deepest reflective time…WINTER.  Will our harvest be bountiful to feed us through the cold months, or will we have to ration our food?

By this point, hopefully, you can see the metaphorical meanings that are woven into our life.  So, yes…please embrace your “homesickness”, as I’m trying to do the same.  We are not the only ones feeling this.  I’m trying hard to not search for answers, but to just “see” what life is telling me.  I’m trying to be a good listener and observer -trying not “to force” anything."

With much Love I share that. Take a moment to digest and reflect. Too much of the time we spend on this planet is looking for something that we are too scared to see right in front of us.

Be a good listener and accept what is in front of you. :)

Moral: Beauty is around us and accept it. Understand the elements as they will allow you to understand yourself.

The L words of a generation

Love.

I found something out when I went to an open mic one night when I was lost in Austin. The thing that I found out was that they knew exactly why I was there. See, this room was filled with about 10 people and each one looked at me and knew on first glance why I was in that room. I knew that they knew about me, because each of their poems I wrote in my mind. It is like the saying that I stole from the first play I ever saw in New York.

“Shakespeare, like, stole all of my good ideas way before I was born.”

That was written in a play entitled “Red Light Winter” and was penned by Adam Rapp.

Anyway, the common theme of every poet and songwriter were two words that began with the “L” word. No, not lesbians. But, close. These words are not only linked by the same first letter, but because they have the same meaning to my generation.

Love.

And . . .

Loss.

It was a Monday evening and I had no idea what to do. I figured I would attempt writing so I went to what is becoming one of my favorite coffeeshops. It is located in central downtown with the shadow of the Capital to the North. This would mean that it is on Congress and named the Hideout. Not only is it a coffeeshop that has an open mic each evening, it has two theater stages in the rear that are utilized for plays and improv. It is like heaven for anyone creative; like me.

These two words have been kicked around my head and my lips for so long I cannot help being cliché with my meanings. But, I will say that the meanings have changed or evolved over time from my beginning ideals. See, I always thought that I would fall in Love and the rest would be history. I had this perfect plan for keeping a relationship, always agree and never fight with your partner. That way you will never have to worry about upsetting her.

The Hideout was my b ackdrop as I clicked on my computer. I put on my headphones in order to drown out the pollution. I looked at a blank screen and was hit by writer’s block. See, I had writer’s block for quite a while at this point as I understood nothing around me which meant that I had no idea what to write. Therefore, I clicked around a few websites, played a little chess and gave up on the writing process. This caused me to just about kill myself mentally. It is like you want to clean the house, but rather than cleaning you drank a six pack, ate a bag of cheetos and watched reality television for five hours. Try that on for size, then tell me how you feel that night when your significant other asks you how your day was?

That was my full-proof plan on a relationship. It was perfect except for the small detail of desire. See, desire will kick your ass sometimes. It is very important and without it you will end up never fulfilling any of those third grade dreams. But, it is also a killer when you desire more from everything in life that causes you to lose out on the beauty in front of you. See, this is the first time that these words are linked.

I did not write that evening. I did sit there for a few hours and listen to what other people wrote. There was a theme to the evening that I think was not planned, but is always understood when you are dealing with art. I know this from experience, that I make art when I am hurting. I do not write when I am happy. I do not write when I am settled. I have nothing to get out and nothing to release from my conscious. I think other artists are the same way when you look at their lives. You can look at a painter’s work and understand their exact emotion. I look at the work inside of my house and can tell exactly the mindset the artist had. Granted, it will not be exact, but I get a good sense of where he/she was in life and what he/she desired the piece to be. So, I was in this coffeeshop with a blank page in front of me, an iced tea in my hand and the words of my generation trying to fulfill the dreams of their parents in the air.

With Love comes pain. This is obvious. This is not obvious by looking at how Love is portrayed in life. But, it is obvious for anyone that has ever felt it. I think that the truest sense of Love is when you question if you have ever felt it. When this happens, you know that you have been in Love, because you are so hurt by what you are feeling now that you question how could anything so magical as Love cause so much pain? My answer to this is easy, as with anything in life, you get out what you put in. If you truly Love something or someone, it will murder your conscious when that Love fades and your heart becomes lost again. If you are keeping track at home, second time I mentioned the words together.

Each performer that took the stage walked up to the mic and looked out to the crowd. Each had the same look on their face. It was easy to understand that look when I first saw it as it is the look that I have when I finish a piece. It is the look of complete exhaustion. This look can be seen in a student after a test, in a parent after a discussion of sex with their child, with a lover when they tell their other that they cheated, on an athlete when he realizes that he has lost a step and on the deathbed when it is understood that the sand is almost gone.

I am not going to bring down the vibe you may be enjoying as you drink you coffee and read this. I am not going to be melodramatic and tell you why Love sucks. Shit, I try and Love everyday. I am a romantic that was born in the wrong era. I am the selfless nurturer that will battle through the worst in the name of Love. Yes, I feel like Bono from U2 as I foolishly link that singular emotion with dozens of actions. I will also not tell you that once you Love, you are set. What I will tell you is that, once you Love something, it has to change. You have to give it away. It cannot be kept otherwise it becomes a prison.

I do think that the sensitive ones become artists. I think this from the artists that I have known and the artist I am trying to become. As an artist, we simply express our emotions everyday through the medium that we choose. I write. Others paint. Others play instruments. Others don’t care. I am not saying that if you are not an artist, you feel nothing. What I do think is that as an artist it is this forever entrapment in purgatory. It is a purgatory of our emotions. See, it is never anyone else around us, but us. That is what we think. That is how we operate. An artist is in charge of everything that they understand and the world that is created within their mind is the world they live in. Within this world we are God and can make meaning to anything we encounter. When Love happens, this is a magical place that causes mooshy, melodramatic work to be produced. When hell breaks loose in this world, we get sappy, self loathing material that belongs on a Lifetime movie more so than on your computer screen.

Love is a prison because it traps you into never changing. The amount that I have changed this week is cause for a shake of the head at my actions the past month. But, with Love you cannot change. You cannot evolve by yourself as you will evolve right out of the life of the person in which you share this emotion. Therefore, an evolution must happen as a team effort. You have to compromise a portion of your soul to evolve and become an adult. You have to think globally about your being rather than just in the moment you are in. Understand, this is something that can and has been done. Many, many people reading this are in happy relationships and to them all the power in the world. But, for the rest of us, you are not alone.

Art has forever been a method of expression. I express myself through my art. I do consider this art and think that as the world progresses with invention so must we as humans. We must progress to understand that relationships will have ups and downs. That the worst parts are never that bad and the best parts are really that good. The memories of the Loved ones will forever change and the view on a relationship will only become clear decades down the road. Love everyone and be jealous of nothing. Be who you are and if the person that you Love cannot except that, then you are no longer in Love.

How can you always be in Love with someone when there are moments that you hate yourself? That statement was for me. I go through this life as an artist which is incredibly unsteady and is a moment to moment roller coaster. It is a life I choose and something I will never change. But, it does offer it’s peaks and valleys which I think is a metaphor for the greater portion of life itself. These things leave me hating myself one moment and feeding my ego the next. I ask myself this, if I hate myself in a given moment, what would I think of the person that loves the thing inside of me that I hate? Would I not then hate the person that loves me when I am loathing toward my existence? Yes, this is the shit I do think about on a daily basis.

I am a misplaced romantic that will forever be loyal to the one that I make myself fall in Love with. Love is not something that happens by accident and erupts in your heart when you are looking for it. It is something that is always in the air, you just have to open yourself to it. Never think that the one of your dreams is gone forever, but rest assured that it is just around the one corner you have yet to find. Be complete on your own and Love will follow itself right next to a full heart. Remember, if you live on the edge of the society there are bound to be moments when you fall off and the ground can be lost for a very long time.

Moral: The Hideout is a very kick ass place and should be visited often. Love is something that is cliché but deserved by those courageous enough to try. Go forward looking at the person you do Love and think of how lucky you are to share any of your life with them J See, I told you could finish it happy!

Present Tense Pt. 2

Present Tense.

Do you see the way that tree bends? Does it inspire?

Leaning out to catch the sun's rays...a lesson to be applied...

Are you gettin' something out of this all encompassing trip?

You can spend your time alone redigesting past regrets oh...

Or you can come to terms and realize

You're the only one who can forgive yourself oh yeah...

Makes much more sense to live in the present tense...

Have you ideas on how this life ends?

Checked your hands and studied the lines?

Have you the belief that the road ahead ascends off into the light?

Seems that needlessly it's gettin' harder

To find an approach and a way to live...

Are we gettin' something out of this all-encompassing trip?

You can spend your time alone redigesting past regrets, oh...

Or you can come to terms and realize...

You're the only one who cannot forgive yourself, oh...

A-makes much more sense to live in the present tense...

Sunday, October 4, 2009.

Hello there reader.

I have left you for a little time here. I write these blogs and leave these little clues into my mind. It is like a scavenger hunt of my events being translated into my emotions. The past few of these entries have been trying. I look back onto these events and how I have spoken of them and I feel like it is a different person. I feel different. I feel like those were accurate but music has let me shed my skin. It let me remove the negativity that life had splattered onto that shell and I was found renewed. Maybe all I needed was a little mud to go ahead and clear up my mind. Maybe I just need the rains to wash away the gunk that had attached itself to the under belly of my conscious. Maybe all I needed was a little Vedder to remember that we can be thirteen years old again and have the world as we know it, in a cradle within our hands. With much ado, here is life in the Present Tense.

About 10 days ago a magnificent weekend occurred in Austin, TX. The weekend was for Austin City Limits which is a very large music festival. My last piece covered the first few days of the festival. This will just be about Pearl Jam.

The above are the lyrics from my new favorite Pearl Jam song. It is a song that is so simple, yet moves my spirit to tears every time I hear it. I understand that you may not have this relationship with this song, but this is my song. Think of that song that takes you to the place where everything slows down.

Amazing feeling is it not? Enjoy that moment for a few beats.

Before this continues, I need to speak to myself. These words are directed to the voice inside of me that causes all of this. . . .

Where the f@$& have you been?

Ok, I am back. Sorry, needed to get a little aggression for why my mind has been so freaking rutted in negativity for the past month.

Sunday started early. Bonnie and I made the trek down the hills from Lakeway and descended upon Zilker Park. We parked at the same spot that we had the previous two days, which was in front of a house that was a friend of an acquaintance that we kind of knew. Whatever, we did not know them, but we had a spot. The karma of ACL was flowing.

Many people have called me a music snob. Check that, many people have called me a snob for pretty much just about anything in my life. These people have spoken of me in this way because I probably pretended to know more about something than they did. I probably spoke down to them about their opinion concerning a film or a band. I probably criticized a television show they laughed with or a book they read.

To these people, the thousands of people that have felt the wrath of the short, judgmental, irresponsible Will, I apologize. Part of my move to Austin was to change my name to William or as my closest friends call me Williamstrasse. I feel like that way I can shed a memory of previous actions.

When we arrived to Zilker park it was a mud pit. It had not rained on that Sunday, but the havoc that the weather caused from the previous day was very easy to see. The park was underwater. The entrance gate had been shifted because of the mess and hay was being placed down in the higher traffic areas to soak up some of the water. In the lowest points of the field, wooden boards had been planked together to create a sort of makeshift bridge to the land of music. I found it theraputic for have this weather as it would not be Pearl Jam if everything was sunny and beautiful. There needed to be a voyage in order to understand the mission, a voyage of the mind from the weekend and a voyage of survival against the elements.

I became this snob across multiple fields of study because of a lack of confidence in myself. This lack of self esteem or self worth happened at a very young age for me. See, it was not anyone’s fault. I think that we always get so caught up in the why, that we never accept the facts of it. The facts of this are easy. I never liked myself at a young age and I never liked people. Therefore, I would like everything that they did not like and then fight them and tell them how right I was. See, if you do not accept the rules of the cool people, you never have to worry about being one of the cool people. And rest assured, writers in general are never the cool people; that is why we write.

A golden bracelet had been awarded to Bonnie. This bracelet allowed for backstage entry for the festival. This was to be the highlight of our day as it would allow her to watch her beloved “Passion Pit” from backstage and I could slip it on to catch “Pearl Jam” from the special seating. This provided joy to us for the day. This was to be our guiding light through the muck of the ground and our spirit. See, this weekend had been very trying. Honestly, this entire move had been very difficult. Life feels like this big game that you set in stone only to have the rules changed without you ever knowing until it is too late for a refund. So, we were beaten souls lost in the mud of ACL, but we had our two favorite bands and a backstage pass to sooth the hole in our minds.

I have been called out in terms of what I write, why I write and who I worship. The person who has called me out is myself. The reason for the call out was because these three elements were the things that we forever to keep me happy and the past month has been the ultimate test of each.

Objective one.

I write to inform people of my experiences.

I have not truly written anything about Austin or an experience in a while.

Objective two.

I write to provide inspiration to myself and the people that read.

I have not written anything too inspiring or positive in a while. I tried to fake it, but it was so bland I had to put jelly on it!

Bam - - - Pow!!! Yes, I do write my own stuff J

Objective three.

I worship the great minds that have lived on this blue planet before I ever existed.

The past month I would read Emerson, Henry David, Hemingway and Kafka. I read not to be enlightened or understand, but to criticize. I read to look for their weaknesses and rather than praise their work, tear down their thoughts as being trite and self righteous. I am so, so sorry my friends.

The day had moved along very well and it was time for “Passion Pit.” There was a very large crowd building in the front of the stage. I would like to say that for the first time in my life, I most certainly felt like the oldest person in the audience. I could see Bonnie backstage and she looked like a child discovery ice cream for the first time. It was a joy to see someone so happy. Even with the muck of the day and the hole in the spirit, her smile radiated across that stage and happiness took over as the sun finally appeared from behind the clouds. The band played a very good set as I danced with my arms flailing and my feet remaining entrenched in the mud drenched earth.

My plan to maintain this mission statement and these three items is to remain positive. To remain in a good frame of mind. To understand that I am in control of nothing and everything is happening for a reason. To never get too caught up in the spinning of the world that I lose my footing. To never depend upon someone or something else to repair the torment that I have. To never expect anything to happen as that is the first step toward disaster. To stop thinking so damn much and enjoy this time that I have. Lastly, to remember that I am a good person and I am doing good things no matter what my mind tells me.

It was on. I was to run to the bathroom. I was to squish my fingers to slide the wristband on. I was to run to the mainstage. I was to get backstage and watch from a platform elevated above the stage. I was to watch the band that I have listened to for longer than my parents. I was to have this religious experience that was to forever make me this loving and knowing wise man without any more difficulties. I was to be a fool.

I did get the wristband on in the bathroom. I did get backstage. I waited in a long line to get on stage for “The Dead Weather.” This was working perfectly until I heard a rumor that Pearl Jam would not allow anyone on the platform during there set. This rumor was confirmed and I was crushed. This was to be my one thing in life that I ever wanted. This was to be the most marvelous moment in my music history. It was shattered before my eyes by a security guard with a long ponytail eating a bologna sandwich. How can life be so cruel?

Something that us coming back to mind that I had forgotten about is that you never get what you want. I think that is a song lyric, but it is true. Whatever it is that we want is never fulfilled. If we want money, we never have enough. I want to be a good writer, but I never like my work. I want to be a good dresser, but I hate my wardrobe. I want to be a good person, but I fail everyday. I have these expectations built into actions that are never as high as I had imagined. If I really wanted to see a movie, it is never that good. If I really love an author, his next book is not very strong. See, I get caught up hoping that all of these other things that I distract my being with will create a utopia that will save me from my torment.

What I have to understand is that a utopia is available in every moment if your mind is prepared to accept it. I have everything that I could have ever imagined as I sit in my bedroom is Austin. I have people that love me. I have jobs in areas that I dreamed of being in. I have two college degrees after I had all but was thrown off of campus. See, I am greedy when it comes to my life. Check that, I have been greedy. I will call this past month the month of greed. I lived in the past and dug up everything that would tear me down. Why I did this you may ask; I have no idea. I think that it is a failsafe that if I cause myself to fail rather than actually failing, it would be easier. Going back to my childhood, I would never try anything and assume to be a failure as it was easier than the humiliation of everyone else watching me be unsuccessful.

I left the backstage area a failure. I found Bonnie and was spitting fire of how unlucky I was not to get to watch Pearl Jam backstage. I then marched into the pit of fans waiting and began to fight to get as close as I could. Bonnie was with me, but soon left as she is much smarter than I am. I kept fighting through until I had an Australian grabbing my ass and a Spanaird without a shirt pressed into my face. Stop thinking what you are thinking, both were male, out of shape and very hairy. Not a good sandwich.

This was my existence for an hour and a half as PJ set up. I will not go through the set list. I will not tell you each song they played. I will not get too detailed with the concert as this would become much longer than I can stand right now.

What I will say is that it was my best concert ever. I had the greatest time singing with Eddie as he danced across the stage. That was the first moment in a month that I had pure joy. That element was running circles around this house I am currently writing in when I first moved here. Then, it was gone. I don’t know where it went or why it went. The more I searched, the further it dug. It looked to be gone forever, but a glimpse of it came back for the 2 hours when PJ was rocking through Austin.

So, you may ask why this was my favorite concert and I will tell you because it was honest. It was the first time that I could be honest with my mind and it took the words of Vedder to be my compass. He lead me through a journey of my mind that showed the path that I was going. He went through everything I had been through, he went through everything I had survived and showed me the future. It is easy, live in the present. Be kind to the people you love. Give away everything you had loved as you will never love those things again. Throw everything out that causes any doubt or you to hate. Go forward with a clean and clear mind. This is what I will do. This is how I will lead.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for leading me Eddie. Welcome back everyone.

Moral: When there is a whole lot of rain there is a whole lot of mud. Try and lead a judgment free America. Listen to the song that makes you understand this world we live in. I love you and will finally start acting on that love again.

Present Tense Pt. 1

A funny thing happened this weekend, I found my voice.

I know that is something that I say a lot, but I am back to being on cloud 9. I am back to being selfish about my bank account of Love and right now it is overflowing with deposits.

I have left you for a little time here. I write these blogs and leave these little clues into my mind. It is like a scavenger hunt of my events being translated into my emotions. The past few of these entries have been trying. I look back onto these events and how I have spoken of them and I feel like it is a different person. I feel different. I feel like those were accurate but music has let me shed my skin. It let me remove the negativity that life had splattered onto that shell and I was found renewed. Maybe all I needed was a little mud to go ahead and clear up my mind. Maybe I just need the rains to wash away the gunk that had attached itself to the under belly of my conscious. Maybe all I needed was a little Vedder to remember that we can be thirteen years old again and have the world as we know it, in a cradle within our hands. With much ado, here is life in the Present Tense.

Thursday

This weekend started with stress. Like anything worthwhile there was a struggle. I was to leave my house with my girlfriend and her sister to go to a house a little ways away. The details are unimportant except know this, I was selfish and negative. I provided no assistance and was aloof, only worrying about my incredibly dire situation. (Please catch the undertone of sarcasm with that statement.)

This was a Thursday morning and I met with my Austin best friend as we enjoyed coffee, a breakfast taco, conversation and live music. Yes, in Austin, TX you can go see four live performances of music with a full bar before 10 AM. Yet another reason to love this place. The interesting encounter with my friend and I was this, we were there to watch the same performer at the same venue that we would be at twelve hours later to watch him do the same thing. This proved the determination that my friend and I had, or was the first sign of how lost I was and in need of a connection.

The conversation was good and like any conversation that concludes with the solving of the worlds problems, it was lost the moment it left our lips.

Thoughts and hearts fade my friends.

That Thursday morning I do remember how much I knew; which was nothing. I had that feeling when understanding the world is impossible. You know when the task of taking a shower seems too much. Or, rather than get gas to go grocery shopping, you sit at home and eat ice cream for all three meals. Well, this was my mental health on Thursday. I was to deliver fliers for one of my internships and seemed to get caught in every last drop of Austin traffic. This caused me to feel like I was about to break down, my life that is, caused me to second guess my move to Austin, caused me to second guess any decision I have ever made in my life after the age of thirteen, caused me to wonder why the hell we are all here and when the hell are we all leaving.

This was Thursday morning, afternoon and early evening. This was until I realized that I was the problem. This was until I was sitting in the Zax pub by myself, as I had alienated anyone that would even considering spending time with me with my negative thoughts and judgements, drinking a beer when I read something in the “Austin Chronicle.” The article was the beginning of the deconstruction of the cracked foundation. I read by myself. I drank a Pecan Porter and ate a pork quesadilla. I was captivated with the words as they felt like mine. The titles will give you the idea.

“The eternal winter of our discontent.”

I left that pub with a smile on my face and a mint in my mouth with the keys to my weekend.

I am not alone with these feelings.

People have been here and have survived worse.

I am the maker and keeper of my thoughts, which in turn, motivate my entire life.

I am smart and gosh darn it, people like me!

With that I crossed the street to the famous Threadgill’s for the anniversary party of the rocks that I have here in Austin. It was the same spot in which life spun out of control hours before; I was back for redemption.

Bob Schneider’s Texas Bluegrass Massacre was the music for the evening. If you have been reading, you know that I have spoken about him before. There is no need for further introductions other than this; he is playing bluegrass this evening, something I have never enjoyed.

Friends gathered inside the bar. They congregated around the couple in which the party was thrown. Everyone enjoyed each other. Small talk and light drinking was happening. I was meeting new people and trying to remember old faces. I was determined to have a good time, it just had to happen. I had just found out the keys to life, what more could I ask for?

I fell in Love with myself that night, again. Like all of my Love affairs it does not make any sense and happens in a moment. I love the feeling of falling in Love that I think that I have to do it at least once a week. That means of course, making myself fall out of Love or the much healthier approach of finding something new to Love. See, I had fallen out of Love with Austin. Simply put, I had fallen out of Love with everything this blue marble had to offer. I was wallowing in a holding pad of depression and no exterior force was good enough to break it.

It is a lonely and dismal existence to have no answers to the endless questions in your mind.

This Love affair started like any other. I spoke with myself at the bar. Bought myself a few drinks. Danced with myself and was impressed that I finally knew how much I had in common with myself. I enjoyed the same music and leisure activities. I hit it off immediately with myself. I took myself home safely and did not take advantage of myself. Never on the first date!

As I was wooing myself into a second date, I noticed everything that evening. It was the first time in a long time that I noticed the details again. I remember the weather being very pleasant. I remember the many discussions concerning impeding weekend of music. I took notes and it felt like I was back in Austin for the first time again. The most important think I remembered was the Love. We were there for Love. It was dancing around most of the evening as Rob and Michelle had a ball. It is amazing what music can do to soothe the soul.

I left that Thursday with nothing in my mind of my past questions. I cannot change them, so why worry about them. We can only change the future and live in the present.

Friday

Friday was the kick off party. I was able to get off of my duties at the film studio to enjoy the festivities. Bonnie and I went to ACL with the gratuitous fortune of VIP wristbands from Rob and Michelle. This allowed us to enter an area with food, drinks, Internet and massages. The bathrooms were wood paneled and the Frito chili salad was flowing.

ACL is short for “Austin City Limit.” That is the name of a television show that has been on the air for 35 years. The show is filmed and produced for PBS in Austin, TX on the University of Texas Campus. The popularity of the show and the understanding that Austin is the Live Music Capitol of the World, combined in creating a music festival that is currently the biggest in the US. I had been to a few music festivals in the past on the wings of my best friends and musical gods. But, this would be the first festival that I enjoyed any sort of VIP treatment as I was usually very sweaty and thirsty by the conclusion of the other festivals I had attended. With that said, I would not change a single thing about those other festivals because of the people I was with and what they meant to my life.

I arrived in the VIP area. There were chairs and tables set up in each and every direction. There were two different bars serving free water and alcohol. After a few moments, I realized that I was no longer experiencing a music festival in the sense that I understood. To me, a music festival was about connection. About meeting new people and surviving the elements for the common joy in the heart for the beauty of music. This is my metaphor for the experiences. Keep in mind, I did enjoy the VIP, but it just felt fake to me. Not fake in that it was not happening, but fake as I felt removed from the vibe of the people. Ok, metaphor time. My experience in the VIP was like having a Cuban who is expecting to defect on a boat made of twigs across the Atlantic and give him a first class ticket on a cruise line. Of course he is going to take the cruise ticket, but he missed out on the journey of survival across the ocean. I felt like I was at the festival, but I missed out on the discomforts that provide the journey to the surreal climax of music at the end of the day.

The bands that I watched on this first day of ACL was the Avett Brothers, Phoenix, Dr. Dog, Andrew Bird and the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs. The music was good. The highlights were Phoenix and the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs. I do not really count Dr. Dog and Andrew Bird as I Was sitting in the VIP while listening to the music. I did not see the stage or watch the actual performance.

The VIP had left me unsatisfied with the music until the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs started their set. They are a band from New York that are very well known for the live shows they perform. I was disconnected and walking around by myself at this point. Bonnie and her sister had left to watch The Kings of Leon. We had plans to meet at the front after both sets concluded and this allowed for me to take in a little live music on my own.

This proved to be a lifesaver as the set they performed had me dancing around in circle and making new friends. I have no idea who they were, but I do know that they were dancing and loving life just as much as I was. I will forever have them named as my Yeah, Yeah, Yeah friends.

It is amazing what life music can do. One single performance can create thousands of people to connect on a level that nothing else can do. This is what I took away from Friday.

A music festival is less about the music and more about the people. The people you meet, the people you see, the people you watch and the people you Love. It is a spectrum of humanity that cannot be fully felt until you through yourself out there. I had to break away from where I was and go into the trenches to find the people I wanted to be with.

Saturday

Mud Day!

The second day of ACL will forever be known as the mud day. The rains started early and lasted late. There was mud everywhere. There was rain in every direction. Water was building a river around the festival and people were loving it.

If Thursday was about identifying who I was. Friday was understanding that everyone is human and music is what ties it all together. Saturday was simply about survival and the will of a person.

The best part about Saturday was that I did it alone. This is not to say that I did not enjoy the company that I was keeping, but there is something that happens when you are alone in a crowd of 80,000 people. Maybe this proves that I am a loner, but this is the ultimate selfish act. You have the power to have the best time in your life or be miserable. I chose the best time and it did not matter what music was playing or how it was playing. I survived one of the most unique experiences that I could and I was able to have the freedom to do so. I rain around the mud and watched the smiling faces slip and fall all over themselves.

Saturday at ACL was the closest thing that I could ever experience to Woodstock.

Keeping the theme of the piece it would have been easy for me to be negative as the rain was coming and the mud was building. I could have been upset and it could have ruined my entire day. But, when living in the present tense, you understand that the moments are only as good as you can make them. There is no one in more control of everything that is happening around you then you are. So what if there is rain, I was at a music festival in the middle of Austin without a care in the world. Life was good!