Mornings

Each morning in Austin.

Every morning I wake up to the same feeling. I do not know what the feeling means other than it never leaves. I have a very pressurized, pounding headache. I have a clogged up nose and a pain in my stomach that I cannot quite place. These pains are intensified after an evening of drinking and can be crippling. Is this me getting old or is this just life?

I have discovered this trait in myself. I have a knack for always wanting something that I cannot have. There is a constant struggle within myself for these things that are not attainable. And, when I get the thing that I have wanted, I have a way of either killing it or understanding that it was not the good to begin with.

I thought these pains were stress related. Then I figured out something, I don’t really have anything to be stressed about. I then thought I had something wrong with me, I dismissed that as I know I have something wrong with me, we all have something wrong with us. I concluded that it is life. It is a part of getting older. It is a part of growing up. We will never be as strong as we were the day before, but we will be wiser and that is the most important part.

I do not know if this sense of want and this desire for things is a human quality or an American idea. To be honest, I have not done enough research nor am I smart enough to analyze which of these possibilities it falls into. What I do know is my own life. I do know that everything always appears better on the other side. One thing will make your life perfect, then I get that one thing, and it causes more harm then good. I then must get an even bigger and better thing to try and make me happy. It is a cycle.

Growing up is difficult as you never know about it until it is too late. One day you wake up and the last 10 years are a blur, you look to the person next to you and wonder when you lost the connection with the love of your life. Where did that love go and why? That is the word that will plague you when you go through the cliffnotes of your life. When you apply Why to any circumstance it causes a rush of thoughts that you will shake your head at. The main word that will come from this application is a way of describing most of those moments that register, foolish.

We have non stop advertising imprinting our conscious with tons of items that we need. We are overwhelmed with how we are to dress and look. How we are supposed to be thin as only thin people are happy. How men are supposed to do hardwork and women the laundry. I know that these constructs are changing, but how much influence do we give to the people we have never met?

I do not mean to be negative, as many of you will go through your past with a smile and think of how smart and wise you were concerning certain actions. To you, I applaud. You have already let go of the past enough to understand that it is the past. There is nothing there to control the future. It is there to be a positive loop of thoughts of when we younger. Let the positive thoughts of the past come alive in the present and remember the person you were. That word foolish is a good thing. Think of how foolish some of the actions were, but how happy they made you. Bring a little joy into your life if it is filled with clouds and confusion.

Moral: I should probably see a doctor. Remove the words want and why from your analysis of yourself to bring a little peace. Cherish the memories you have with the ones you love as in the end, that is all we have.