Present Tense.
Do you see the way that tree bends? Does it inspire?
Leaning out to catch the sun's rays...a lesson to be applied...
Are you gettin' something out of this all encompassing trip?
You can spend your time alone redigesting past regrets oh...
Or you can come to terms and realize
You're the only one who can forgive yourself oh yeah...
Makes much more sense to live in the present tense...
Have you ideas on how this life ends?
Checked your hands and studied the lines?
Have you the belief that the road ahead ascends off into the light?
Seems that needlessly it's gettin' harder
To find an approach and a way to live...
Are we gettin' something out of this all-encompassing trip?
You can spend your time alone redigesting past regrets, oh...
Or you can come to terms and realize...
You're the only one who cannot forgive yourself, oh...
A-makes much more sense to live in the present tense...
Sunday, October 4, 2009.
Hello there reader.
I have left you for a little time here. I write these blogs and leave these little clues into my mind. It is like a scavenger hunt of my events being translated into my emotions. The past few of these entries have been trying. I look back onto these events and how I have spoken of them and I feel like it is a different person. I feel different. I feel like those were accurate but music has let me shed my skin. It let me remove the negativity that life had splattered onto that shell and I was found renewed. Maybe all I needed was a little mud to go ahead and clear up my mind. Maybe I just need the rains to wash away the gunk that had attached itself to the under belly of my conscious. Maybe all I needed was a little Vedder to remember that we can be thirteen years old again and have the world as we know it, in a cradle within our hands. With much ado, here is life in the Present Tense.
About 10 days ago a magnificent weekend occurred in Austin, TX. The weekend was for Austin City Limits which is a very large music festival. My last piece covered the first few days of the festival. This will just be about Pearl Jam.
The above are the lyrics from my new favorite Pearl Jam song. It is a song that is so simple, yet moves my spirit to tears every time I hear it. I understand that you may not have this relationship with this song, but this is my song. Think of that song that takes you to the place where everything slows down.
Amazing feeling is it not? Enjoy that moment for a few beats.
Before this continues, I need to speak to myself. These words are directed to the voice inside of me that causes all of this. . . .
Ok, I am back. Sorry, needed to get a little aggression for why my mind has been so freaking rutted in negativity for the past month.
Sunday started early. Bonnie and I made the trek down the hills from Lakeway and descended upon Zilker Park. We parked at the same spot that we had the previous two days, which was in front of a house that was a friend of an acquaintance that we kind of knew. Whatever, we did not know them, but we had a spot. The karma of ACL was flowing.
Many people have called me a music snob. Check that, many people have called me a snob for pretty much just about anything in my life. These people have spoken of me in this way because I probably pretended to know more about something than they did. I probably spoke down to them about their opinion concerning a film or a band. I probably criticized a television show they laughed with or a book they read.
To these people, the thousands of people that have felt the wrath of the short, judgmental, irresponsible Will, I apologize. Part of my move to Austin was to change my name to William or as my closest friends call me Williamstrasse. I feel like that way I can shed a memory of previous actions.
When we arrived to Zilker park it was a mud pit. It had not rained on that Sunday, but the havoc that the weather caused from the previous day was very easy to see. The park was underwater. The entrance gate had been shifted because of the mess and hay was being placed down in the higher traffic areas to soak up some of the water. In the lowest points of the field, wooden boards had been planked together to create a sort of makeshift bridge to the land of music. I found it theraputic for have this weather as it would not be Pearl Jam if everything was sunny and beautiful. There needed to be a voyage in order to understand the mission, a voyage of the mind from the weekend and a voyage of survival against the elements.
I became this snob across multiple fields of study because of a lack of confidence in myself. This lack of self esteem or self worth happened at a very young age for me. See, it was not anyone’s fault. I think that we always get so caught up in the why, that we never accept the facts of it. The facts of this are easy. I never liked myself at a young age and I never liked people. Therefore, I would like everything that they did not like and then fight them and tell them how right I was. See, if you do not accept the rules of the cool people, you never have to worry about being one of the cool people. And rest assured, writers in general are never the cool people; that is why we write.
A golden bracelet had been awarded to Bonnie. This bracelet allowed for backstage entry for the festival. This was to be the highlight of our day as it would allow her to watch her beloved “Passion Pit” from backstage and I could slip it on to catch “Pearl Jam” from the special seating. This provided joy to us for the day. This was to be our guiding light through the muck of the ground and our spirit. See, this weekend had been very trying. Honestly, this entire move had been very difficult. Life feels like this big game that you set in stone only to have the rules changed without you ever knowing until it is too late for a refund. So, we were beaten souls lost in the mud of ACL, but we had our two favorite bands and a backstage pass to sooth the hole in our minds.
I have been called out in terms of what I write, why I write and who I worship. The person who has called me out is myself. The reason for the call out was because these three elements were the things that we forever to keep me happy and the past month has been the ultimate test of each.
Objective one.
I write to inform people of my experiences.
I have not truly written anything about Austin or an experience in a while.
Objective two.
I write to provide inspiration to myself and the people that read.
I have not written anything too inspiring or positive in a while. I tried to fake it, but it was so bland I had to put jelly on it!
Bam - - - Pow!!! Yes, I do write my own stuff J
Objective three.
I worship the great minds that have lived on this blue planet before I ever existed.
The past month I would read Emerson, Henry David, Hemingway and Kafka. I read not to be enlightened or understand, but to criticize. I read to look for their weaknesses and rather than praise their work, tear down their thoughts as being trite and self righteous. I am so, so sorry my friends.
The day had moved along very well and it was time for “Passion Pit.” There was a very large crowd building in the front of the stage. I would like to say that for the first time in my life, I most certainly felt like the oldest person in the audience. I could see Bonnie backstage and she looked like a child discovery ice cream for the first time. It was a joy to see someone so happy. Even with the muck of the day and the hole in the spirit, her smile radiated across that stage and happiness took over as the sun finally appeared from behind the clouds. The band played a very good set as I danced with my arms flailing and my feet remaining entrenched in the mud drenched earth.
My plan to maintain this mission statement and these three items is to remain positive. To remain in a good frame of mind. To understand that I am in control of nothing and everything is happening for a reason. To never get too caught up in the spinning of the world that I lose my footing. To never depend upon someone or something else to repair the torment that I have. To never expect anything to happen as that is the first step toward disaster. To stop thinking so damn much and enjoy this time that I have. Lastly, to remember that I am a good person and I am doing good things no matter what my mind tells me.
It was on. I was to run to the bathroom. I was to squish my fingers to slide the wristband on. I was to run to the mainstage. I was to get backstage and watch from a platform elevated above the stage. I was to watch the band that I have listened to for longer than my parents. I was to have this religious experience that was to forever make me this loving and knowing wise man without any more difficulties. I was to be a fool.
I did get the wristband on in the bathroom. I did get backstage. I waited in a long line to get on stage for “The Dead Weather.” This was working perfectly until I heard a rumor that Pearl Jam would not allow anyone on the platform during there set. This rumor was confirmed and I was crushed. This was to be my one thing in life that I ever wanted. This was to be the most marvelous moment in my music history. It was shattered before my eyes by a security guard with a long ponytail eating a bologna sandwich. How can life be so cruel?
Something that us coming back to mind that I had forgotten about is that you never get what you want. I think that is a song lyric, but it is true. Whatever it is that we want is never fulfilled. If we want money, we never have enough. I want to be a good writer, but I never like my work. I want to be a good dresser, but I hate my wardrobe. I want to be a good person, but I fail everyday. I have these expectations built into actions that are never as high as I had imagined. If I really wanted to see a movie, it is never that good. If I really love an author, his next book is not very strong. See, I get caught up hoping that all of these other things that I distract my being with will create a utopia that will save me from my torment.
What I have to understand is that a utopia is available in every moment if your mind is prepared to accept it. I have everything that I could have ever imagined as I sit in my bedroom is Austin. I have people that love me. I have jobs in areas that I dreamed of being in. I have two college degrees after I had all but was thrown off of campus. See, I am greedy when it comes to my life. Check that, I have been greedy. I will call this past month the month of greed. I lived in the past and dug up everything that would tear me down. Why I did this you may ask; I have no idea. I think that it is a failsafe that if I cause myself to fail rather than actually failing, it would be easier. Going back to my childhood, I would never try anything and assume to be a failure as it was easier than the humiliation of everyone else watching me be unsuccessful.
I left the backstage area a failure. I found Bonnie and was spitting fire of how unlucky I was not to get to watch Pearl Jam backstage. I then marched into the pit of fans waiting and began to fight to get as close as I could. Bonnie was with me, but soon left as she is much smarter than I am. I kept fighting through until I had an Australian grabbing my ass and a Spanaird without a shirt pressed into my face. Stop thinking what you are thinking, both were male, out of shape and very hairy. Not a good sandwich.
This was my existence for an hour and a half as PJ set up. I will not go through the set list. I will not tell you each song they played. I will not get too detailed with the concert as this would become much longer than I can stand right now.
What I will say is that it was my best concert ever. I had the greatest time singing with Eddie as he danced across the stage. That was the first moment in a month that I had pure joy. That element was running circles around this house I am currently writing in when I first moved here. Then, it was gone. I don’t know where it went or why it went. The more I searched, the further it dug. It looked to be gone forever, but a glimpse of it came back for the 2 hours when PJ was rocking through Austin.
So, you may ask why this was my favorite concert and I will tell you because it was honest. It was the first time that I could be honest with my mind and it took the words of Vedder to be my compass. He lead me through a journey of my mind that showed the path that I was going. He went through everything I had been through, he went through everything I had survived and showed me the future. It is easy, live in the present. Be kind to the people you love. Give away everything you had loved as you will never love those things again. Throw everything out that causes any doubt or you to hate. Go forward with a clean and clear mind. This is what I will do. This is how I will lead.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for leading me Eddie. Welcome back everyone.
Moral: When there is a whole lot of rain there is a whole lot of mud. Try and lead a judgment free America. Listen to the song that makes you understand this world we live in. I love you and will finally start acting on that love again.
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