Day One

Day One.

It always amazes me just how easily it is to fall into a routine. Life is like this endless list of days that fall into a routine of existence. When I think of routine, it is usually negative. I think of routine as being boring and something that I would not want. But, I found out that routine is good and needed.

Everything was still the same. Everything looked the same. But, everything felt different.

I woke up in the house that I lived in for the last three years. Everything was pretty much in the same spot when I left. Paintings by the entryway, television hanging on the mantle and beer from Four Peaks awaiting me in the refrigerator. The only thing that had changed was me.

The routine that I fell into Austin was needed to provide structure. The routine worked out well when I first arrived. I was being challenged, but had enough confidence in myself to go forward in the face of these questions. But, as my confidence was chipped at and my mind was overwhelmed, everything took the turn to negative town.

To make sense of my new, old setting I went for a walk. See, this is a very important element as the staple of my existence resides in the walks I take. These walks have led to many an important thought, many a release of anger, many a pathway through the forest of doubt. I need these walks as they provide my level out moments in life and when life is rolling well, these walks lead to a little spot of nirvana found in the clouded mind.

The routine in Austin became so nasty that everything was engulfed. It is harder for positive spirit and light to remain in an area than it is for darkness and doubt to take over. It is harder to be happy than depressed. Depression is easy. Depression is giving up. Depression is allowing pity for yourself for the actions that you have registered. Depression allows you to turn that personal mirror on the outside world, because you are too scared to locate the problem within your own spirit.

This walk led to many memories. As awful as it sounds, it was a walk down memory lane. The thoughts raced and I laughed at the moments that I will always cherish and relished in the moments when I faced my largest challenges and survived. It was a walk that I had not enjoyed in Austin for a few months. My life there has felt like a constant test. This test that no matter what I do, I am not good enough. Whatever I think is not right. Whatever I do, I need to explain to everyone close as I have so little confidence in myself that I need someone else to make these decisions, like what cereal to get, for me. I was a lost cause.

I ended this walk with a smile on my face and pain in my foot from a splinter. Everything seemed to be leveling out a bit as I made my route around the neighborhood. I returned to the house and prepared for a lunch with friends. It was so relieving to actually have friends and people that know me to meet with and talk. We made plans to go to a soul food restaurant in Phoenix and did so.

Before this continues, there is a note that may or may not be significant. It is not of utter importance in my life any more, but is interesting when you think about serendipity and life. The day, in which I am speaking, was the four-year anniversary of the death of a girl that I had gone out with. It is strange how time truly heals and allows you for a perspective on things that were never possible when you are inside of the situation. Anyway, the lunch was set up for my two closest friends and my brother. These are the same people that spent time with me four-years prior as we waited with tired eyes and exhausted spirits at the hospital bed. It is funny what life gives you and what you make with the moments.

We made it to my friends place of work. He was waiting outside and looked different. It is strange as we have these memories of how people looked in the stories that we have in our mind. We have these outdated pictures of how people are supposed to look. And, if they change, it takes us back. This was my experience, he still looked like my best friend, but he looked wiser. He looked more settled. He looked like an adult.

We drove to LoLo’s Chicken and Waffles off of Buckeye and Central in Phoenix. It was the first time that I had ever attended this establishment. It is famous for having the best soul food in Phoenix and my friend frequently attended. When I lived in the area, I told him one drunken night that I wanted to come here. I thought, what better day to do this than my first day back in Phoenix. See, even though I am no longer in Austin for the time being, I can still go out and discover some new experiences.

My other best friend joined us and he was clad in a shirt and tie. We sat at the table and talked about life. We talked about accomplishments. We talked about desires and kids. We talked about possible job changes and relocations. We spoke in very serious terms about beer and football. It felt like old times. It was amazing how easy it was to pick up right where we left off. That is the amazing thing about the people that you Love, you can always have your guard down and know that whatever you say, they will listen. We had become adults. We were not where we intended to be, but we were surviving.

I started this off with the word routine, as it is something that suffocated me when I lived in Arizona. But, after being away it is something that has sparked my positive feelings again. Hanging out with my friends and talking beer, walking around the basketball court that was my tool to conquer my demons, watching sports and talking about college. These are the things that I missed. These are the things that have pieced together who I am. These are the things we need so we remember that there are people who care about us. Though, it is important to not get too caught up in the past and what you have done, but it is a good way to relax and level out as life has beaten you down a bit.

Moral. Create a routine that allow you some structure, but break it before it breaks you. Live life with the most positive spirit you can as there is always someone, somewhere who you mean the world too. Life is too short to hold grudges. See you tomorrow!