Connections.

Connections.

No matter how old I get, this is the one thing that I am constantly looking for.

I spent a very large amount of my day with my grandparents. It was an amazing time and was a nod to my maturity. They no longer looked at me as a child, but as an adult. They took value in what I said and listened like I was a celebrity. This is an amazing feeling. The feeling that allows you to be looked up to by the people that you have idolized.

These connections happen everyday. I starve for a connection with everything. I try to be as open as possible to experiences. I try to limit my judgments for which the actions I am not apart. I try to not choose sides when an argument is registered for things and people in which I have never met. The thing that life has taught me is that it is better to not form judgments for things before you have tried them. For, when you do try them your mind taints the possible outcome by fixing the situation to be placed in the favor of the previous opinion.

My grandparents live in a community for other retired people. It is like a dorm atmosphere. They all have their own homes and they all have their own golf carts. But, there is a guard that you must bypass in order to gain access to these homes. A magic word must be uttered and a nod is given that allows you to cruise the streets of Sun Lakes with a Speed Limit of 12. These communities are not solely in Arizona, but across the nation. Is it not interesting that we place the heads of our families as far out as view as possible? Nothing like a little slice of retirement community living to make you realize just how short life truly is.

I used to be bad. Not saying that I am amazing right now, but I am getting better. I would swear at things and people just because of a team they rooted for. I would get team logos shaved into my head to show my amazing support for people doing their jobs thousands of miles away. I would challenge law authority as it seemed to be a rational idea at the time of my teams defeat. I now understand this while I sit around the dinner table for Christmas Eve.

I lead my life in isolation with the ideal of connection. See, I told you I was a conflicted individual. I lead a life of solitude as the writers I mimic did the same. They lead their lives on the fridge of society. They had such great perspective on everything because they did not participate. They watched the lives of others, wrote about them and lived through the page. I think this is the reason so many of them self-destructed with the use of alcohol or drugs as living without the connection of people is a very lonely existence.

I was finally promoted from the kids table to that of the adults. I guess this was just another perk from the move to Austin. I was asked to give the blessing of the food, which I declined. Everyone talked, I listened. I have found that it is best to register as little opinion while at a table of Italians, as this will ensure that a fight will not happen. I am not saying that we are an angry people, we are just opinionated. Unfortunately, our opinions are very rarely completely thought out or unique.

During the meal I did silently observe my grandparents. They sat next to me and methodically worked through their food. There seemed to be a great sense of accomplishment for them to just finish their meal. I say this has positively as possible, but they have become children. I had this moment of realization as they struggled to cut their salmon. I reached over to help, but that was immediately shot down as their pride was too strong to have help from the youngest member of the family. They were the reason all of this was possible, and they are left to live in solitude in a retirement community and there to struggle with their fish. Oh, how cruel and amazing life can be.

The evening continued in a great way. We exchanged gifts. I think I received one of the greatest gifts in the history of Christmas which entailed a first edition of essays by Emerson and six assorted craft beers. It is awesome how easy I am to appease. I connected with my cousins about Austin and “Jersey Shore.” We spoke of movies and drunken stories. It was a regular holiday, but in the corner of my eye were my grandparents. Just sitting in the background, everyone scurrying around them. No one wanting conversation, but to check to see how they feel. No longer being human, but being needy.

Connections are what we want. We live to meet people. We live to be social. We live to discuss everything in our brains. It is a sort of exercise in which we can share these experiences and thus gain an ally in life. We find Love with people that we really like talking to. We find best friends in people that we trust to know us when we are good and more importantly when we are lost. We have all of these degrees of living experiences that cause us to find safety while being with others. We are scared to be alone.

We are scared to be left with no one to talk to. I write this blog so I can connect with random people. I never know if anyone ever reads this, but that is not the point. The point is that I just need that sense that I am connecting with someone to be happy. That is what the greatest writers and thinkers always wanted. Most of them did not have the confidence to exist in society, or saw the underbelly of what was becoming life and wanted to report about it for future generations to take hold of. But, in the end, it was too much.

Life is too hard to be stubborn. It is too short to be closed minded and cynical. There is no point always being right because no one will ever talk to you. Why speak so much about things that do not affect the personal lives you lead?

My family is amazing and this trip is turning out to be more maturing than I ever thought would be possible. I am getting a road map of how to life. It is not always good, nor is it always bad. Life is as honest as you make it. Deep down we all know what we want and what we have to do to get it. The question is will you challenge that dream and see if it has legs. Or, will you sit back and let the world happen around you and question others actions?

Look for a connection in everything you do. When you are fully honest with yourself, it will be clear that life is not a competition and there is no winning. There is just a gentle tempo into fading away into the ether.

The main questions is this; What will you be remembered for?

Moral: This is simple. Connect with people. Really think about anything in your life that causes negative feelings. Lastly, Merry Christmas peeps and thanks for reading. You are my collective subconscious and I can feel your positive energy all around me!