Wisdom

Thursday through Sunday. August 27th through August 31st.

I went to Mooresville, North Carolina for a family obligation to attend a wedding. What I found was true wisdom.

The flight left Austin at 9 AM. I was to fly to Dallas for an hour layover. From Dallas I had a direct flight into Charlotte, North Carolina. I was picked up at the airport by my Uncle. He was married to my dad’s sister, but has been divorced for a while. I had not seen him in 15 years and only had a picture on his facebook to allow me to decipher who I was looking for. The weekend had officially begun. I was back at home with my family that I ran away from. I was to spend four days in Mooresville, North Carolina without any freedom or Independence. I was to be miserable as I was going to be treated like a five year old.

Something happens in your brain. Something happens with the mood that you choose to put yourself in. Something happens when you wake up and say this is going to be a good day or a bad day. Most of the time, that decision in the early morning will dictate how you spend your time. If you want to have a good day, you will have a good day. If you choose to be negative, then a bad day will be on the horizon. The power of the mind is a very dangerous thing.

I was picked up and on my way to the house without a challenge. Everything had gone smoothly and I was back to being the baby. A funny thing happens when you hang out with family; they always treat you like a child. You have to fight, you have to challenge everything to earn the respect of the elders. Otherwise, you will forever be the baby and rather than listen to you, they will give you food and drinks to make you happy.

There was nothing that I was counting on to be positive from the trip. I had complained to the closest ear for a week concerning my having to go. I thought about not going and then my conscious stepped in to kick my ass. I did not want the challenge of my family. I did not want the questioning of every one of my actions. I did not want the constant defense of my lifestyle. I did not want these things because I did not believe in myself. I did not believe that what I was doing was right. I did not think that I made every right choice. I did not believe that I was properly placed in the eyes of my family. I did not want to lie to my family.

I arrived at my Aunt’s house. It overlooks a very prominent lake in the Charlotte, NC area. The lake was man made and 30 miles long. When you arrive at such a house, you forget that it is a house. You forget that you live in one of the same things where ever it is that you call home. You forget about every worry in the world and begin the celebration. It was to be a celebration that generations of Italians were to be located in North Carolina. It was to be a beautiful weekend and I wanted no part of it.

Why is the mind so powerful? Why does it allow me to live? Why does it allow me to challenge and think? Why does it allow me to fight and fall in Love? Why does it cause me so much emotion? Why does it make me cry even as I write this? Why does it make life so miserable? Why does it make life so marvelous? Why does it do the things that it does? Would it not be so much easier to live life without any thought or emotion?

A positive from the trip was my ability to see my family. I had missed them and it was good to spend a few days reconnecting. It was also a chance to reconnect with my earlier generations of family. There is no worse feeling in the world than not remembering a family members name that helped raise you. This happened when I arrived and spoke with Aunt Vera and Aunt Jean. I did not remember them as it had been years since I last saw them; but they remembered me. Both gave me a big hug and I was dumbfounded when I could not find their name in my memory. This weekend started off with a bang.

The negativity from the weekend was already flowing. I did not want to be there and I did not truly know anyone. This was a family that I was removed from and one that I had nothing but negative thoughts for. I was raised to be judgmental of every action and question the motif behind every thought. It was good that I did not know the family. It was good that I could not remember stories from the past. It was a past that I wanted to forget. It was a negative beam that I was spawned from and it was my duty to distinguish myself away from everything else. Then, I met my great Uncle again. I knew him and spoke with him. But I did these things as a child, never as an adult. I was to be instructed on what it takes to be a man.

The weekend went by in stanzas. The days jumbled into hours of eating and talking. Everyone was enjoying themselves and casting opinions about everything in sight. I was to take a backseat to these thoughts and just listen. I listened to everyone to understand the people that they were. This allowed me to gauge what to talk about with who. I did get into discuss with my Uncle Benny. He is first generation from Italy and spoke of not judgments, but of stories. He spoke with situations from well before I was born and how those actions dictated who I was to be come. He and his wife, who is my Grandfather’s sister provided my moral compass for the weekend. I was to be found at their hip listening to broken English/Italian and learning as much as I could of the relationship that I was born from. It was to be the most intelligence I was to gain in my entire life. I could though away my college degrees just for another weekend of listening to how life is the same from the ‘30’s in Southern Italy to the present day in central Texas.

I did have my own room for the weekend. I stayed at the same hotel as my parents and brother. I enjoyed meals with them and we discussed the Yankees. We spoke of my new lifestyle and the troubles that I left in Arizona. We spoke of my life with Bonnie and the future that was ahead of us. I looked at my brother and parents as adults. I looked at them with dignity and respect. They faced much more difficult circumstances than I could ever imagine at a younger age. They had the most respect from me than I ever thought I would be able to provide.

There were pockets of discussions around the compound in which we were relaxing. There was a pocket of drinkers. There was a pocket of cookers. There was a pocket of old story telling. There was a pocket of sports. Everyone found themselves involved in pockets that allowed them the most comfort. It was like high school when you wanted to be at the cool table. I found myself at the table of wisdom. This was not by accident, but I challenged myself to move above the other tables to challenge myself. Without challenge, life becomes a laugh track of what was and the history of your existence.

The wedding happened on a Saturday. It was a beautiful day and the ceremony overlooked a lake. Everything was perfect. Pick was the color of the ceremony and there was not a frown to be found. I did a sappy reading about Love and how it has changed my life. The Pastor continued the service with a music motif and a new life was created before our eyes. They strutted down the aisle and a party was to be had. We enjoyed ourselves through drinks and appetizers. We sat at our seats and the festivities were underway. People were dancing and enjoying themselves in every direction. I was missing my girlfriend and went for a walk. I was met by my brother and his girlfriend. As we moved up from the walk, we noticed my father’s aunt on the floor. She had a medical issue and we were off to the hospital.

The weekend I spent with my father’s Uncle and Aunt. They are the last link to a Grandfather I never knew. They provided details into his life that I could have only dreamed of. I longed to meet him and be a part of his life. But, I understood that was not possible. Everything happens for a reason and I was to learn of this man in this way. I will not give you details that you will cause you to lose interest; but, he was a good man. The thing about old stories is that you have to understand the entire surrounding before you get the point. You can never cast a judgment of anyone else until you are in the exact situation at the exact time. Wisdom comes from understanding the purity of an action and loving the person through their worst decisions. I have greater wisdom not from judging my Grandfather, but from rationalizing what he was trying to do. I understand the character that he had more now than I ever did before the trip. I feel like if we were at a bar, I could buy him a beer and we could have a very productive discussion about my life and the next step.

The cause of death was a blood clot that was jarred from her lung to her breathing cavity. The thing with death is that it settles you. She was 76 and passed away after her favorite song. This caused the entire family to come together in the small waiting room of the Mooresville Hospital. We joined hands and prayed and prayed. We had a nurse with us and tried to bring back any spirit that we could manage. As death goes, it does not allow time for apologizes or good-byes. It comes and goes with only the strength of the personal soul to have understanding that every moment was captured to the most exciting that it could be. That if there was anything to say it was that if everyone knew what was going to happen, nothing would have changed.

I finished my weekend in North Carolina. I was to be a support for my family. My parents cried on my shoulder. I drove across many counties to transport goods and services from different locations. My brother was with me every step of the way and was my release from everything that was. I spent as much time with my father’s Uncle and Aunt as they are my deepest link into my family. They are my deepest thread into where I came from and why I am the way I am. I could have taken the death in a negative way and moped around; but that is not who I am. I am not going to be pessimistic because it is easy. I am going to keep fighting because that is what I am expected to do and that is who I am.

I flew home that evening. I finally had time to decompress and I cried. Like a baby I cried in my seat on the flight from North Carolina to Dallas. I needed to get out the emotion I had taken in. That was the first time I shed a tear. I did not know why I was crying, but I was. Was it for the life that Aunt Vera led and that I would never get to share a moment with her? Or, was it the fact that I finally found our who my grandfather was? It was a journey that I did not think I was about to embark on. But, I did and I am a new person because of it.

Life deals us these challenges. They come in all shapes and sizes. They come everyday and within every decision. These little things challenge and create our character. How we respond and what we do in these circumstances dictate the person we are to be. I think of Jackie Robinson and how he says “The true test of character is how a man acts when no one is looking.” We can say all the right things in the moment, but how do we act independently. When everything is even, do we take the easy way out that is acting the way we would years before? Or, do we challenge ourselves into the unknown future?

Moral: There is not much going on in Moorsville, NC. My Aunt led an amazing life and will always be remembered. Challenge yourself to not follow past actions or who you were in the past and become the person that you dreamt of becoming. Life does not live in the past, but dies there.