The Lost Night

Sunday, September 6, 2009.

A hangover is the ultimate understanding that you have to apologize to someone or something for actions that you barely remember from the previous evening.

One of my closest friends from Arizona came to visit Austin. It was a last minute trip and he stayed for two days. He arrived into town the same evening that I returned from my cousin’s wedding. I had not spent any time with Bonnie and she was dying to see me. Rather than relax with her and catch up on the past weekend, I ran out to the bar.

There are reasons to drink. I think that there are a few that make logical sense. I drink to celebrate something. I drink to enjoy in accomplishing something or to signify a special day. For example, I drank during my last day in Arizona. It signified that I was moving on with the next stage of my life. This type of milestone is a cause for a celebration so I partook in the enjoyment of a few spirits.

I entered my house and did not say a word to any of Bonnie’s closest friends. These girls were her roommates in Arizona and some of my friends when I lived there. I do not have an excuse for this action and just had some evil in me that needed to get to the bar. I dropped my bag off into my room, hopped into the shower and was off for a night with an old friend. I rode my bike the mile and a half to the center of everything and was set to begin.

Another reason that I drink is to forget. I drink to forget the time that I am having. I drink to forget the problems that I have. I drink to have an excuse for why I am not properly handling the problems. I drink because it is easier than fighting.

The evening started off at Riley’s on Sixth. It was a Sunday and the place was empty. We drank a pint and began a bar crawl. The crawl took us to the Aquarium on Sixth where we drank Shiners. It was going fine and we were talking like nothing had changed since I last saw my friend. It was like I had reverted back to three months ago. I had reverted back to something that I hated.

The last reason why I drink is I am a coward. I think that I drink not because I enjoy it. I think I drink because it is a crutch. It is a crutch that allows me to forget about the challenges in front of me. Within lies why I know that I have so much room to grow. Rather than taking on a challenge, I can create logic to avoid it. Thus, causing me to drink as I know deep down that the challenge is still there and I am just trying to distract my conscious from the fact of the issue.

The night was strictly beers, or so it started. We continued with a beer at the Shiner Saloon on Congress and The Gingerman in the Where house distract. Everything started to blur by this point and last call was approaching. We stumbled back to the beginning and Sixth street in search of a flaming Dr. Pepper.

My life has become this cycle. I know this because everything in this world is a circle. Everything is connected by past actions and past actions will inflict the future that we lead. One decision will change everything that we know. One word said can make you regret the next decade of your life. I am within this cycle of being lost. I am lost on a daily basis and look to some quote to lead me to my sanity. Most of the time this works and I lead a very productive existence. Sometimes it doesn’t and in my destruction is everything that I could ever care about.

The quest was found as we did indeed find the flaming Dr. Pepper. It is a shot and existed at a bare on Sixth, Touche. The shot tastes like a shot. The unique element of it is that when you order it the bartender lights the bar on fire. There is a flame and then he spits alcohol to make it bigger. The bar lights on fire for a few moments and then you take the warm shot. When you are drunk and irresponsible this is an amazing thrill.

This cycle is positive too. Like everything in life, it is not always good nor bad. It is a positive thought because everything can become positive. Everything in the world has the potential to be good depending on your mindset. Life does not exist in the spaces that we inhabit or in the clothes we wear; but in the mind we think. Whatever we think is whatever will happen. I found this out as excuses began to creep into my head for why things were happening. These excuses had me raising issues with everything from the dirt on the ground to the sun in the sky. Sometimes I am spinning too fast and forget about the things that mean the most to me. When this happens everything great on this wonderful planet become enemies. I am my own worst enemy.

The shot went down smooth. I walked my friend to his hotel. We made plans to get lunch the following day. I told myself how sober I was as I pedaled my way home. I was not sober. I was definitely not sober. I made it home without an issue. I entered my house and went to sleep. I laid my head to rest and everything was spinning out of control. My life is a metaphor for how my conscious felt.

A hangover is the ultimate reward for being stubborn. It is the perfect circle of existence. It is a product of irrational behavior that caused you to poison yourself and those you care about. Usually after a hangover you spend a few days trying to heal yourself and a few months trying to heal something that you broke. For me, there was a break of trust for myself. There was a break of everything that I would like to stand for. There was a break of why I moved to Austin and the life that I was pursuing. I broke everything that I spent weeks building in the actions of one evening.

I am being harsh on myself because I need to be. I did not kill anyone. I did not break any bones or my bike. I did not break a window or get arrested. I broke a pact that I made with myself to be an adult. I broke the trust that I had with Bonnie. I became a hypocrite in one failed night of childish behavior.

I like to keep this blog upbeat and provide some sense of understanding to you, the readers. I sketched the reasons why I drink and I think this experience falls into all of three areas. I was celebrating my life in Austin. I was trying to forget about the emotions of the past few days in North Carolina. I was ignoring my responsibilities as an adult and to the trust of having a caring Bonnie waiting at home. The positive element I can spark from this is to never give into the temptation of taking the easy way out. The easy way for me was to get drunk and ignore my emotions. It was just one night, but that night humbled me to understand that this life we lead is much more fragile than we know.

Being positive, forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for something that you did when you were a child. Forgive yourself for anything that is afflicting you. Do not carry the burden or the baggage of a negative conscious as life is too difficult during the best of times. Love everything and everyone as there is nothing in this world that you are not prepared to handle. This is a list of things that I tell myself everyday, so if they do not apply, I apologize. Just wanted to share as these were misplaced for about a week and I’m re-finding my track. Lastly, it is ok to ask for help. That is why you have people close to you, every once and a while we all need a little help from our friends.

Moral: I am sorry to my friends who I did not spend time with, I owe each of you an apology and a coffee when I see you again. Flaming Dr. Pepper shots will cause you to remember just how little gets accomplished when drinking. Life is not nearly as easy as we think it is, nor is it as difficult. Find the balance and never hurt the ones you Love the most as apologies never repair the pain you caused.