Not about Austin, Sorry

Depression.

I would like to think that my entire life has been in this state. I warn you that when I say I would like to think, it is not in a positive way as this is something that can cripple you down to the bone.

It is a state in which you have no idea which way is up and how the heck to find it out. It can be caused by a number of things.

My depression came when I was a child. I still am unable to remember the exact moment that caused me to exist in this state. I think it was when I first went to school in Arizona.

See I had moved from Connecticut to Arizona in fifth grade. I was young and thought of the move as something that would have been new and exciting. I did not think that it would cause me years of heartache and self-disabling mental nuisances.

The issue that was brought into the forefront at this point was a two pronged diagnosis that I have yet to conquer to this day. The first was appearance. I was a fat kid. I was the kid that would wear the white t-shirt into the public pool rather than going shirtless. I would make my mom but me golf shirts 2 sizes too big as I thought that would hide my figure. I would tell my mom that I had to buy pants a size bigger because inside the tag it said “these pants run a size too small.”  I lied to my mom. I knew that I lied to her and I think she knew I did. Everyday my life was a lie.

The second prong had to deal with my speech pattern. I have something called a reverse over bite. This causes my tongue to do different things from the “normal” tongue. The most obvious of these differences is when I try to pronounce a word that utilizes an “r.” I taught myself to avoid using words with R’s, just so I could avoid the confrontation. “Rather than” became “because.” “Over there” became “that way.” I would like to think positively and assume that this fault in genetics has caused me to have a superior vocabulary. At least I hope it did.

These two elements have caused me much ill-will toward my stance in society from a young age. I always thought of myself in the worst light. A fat kid  that needed subtitles. This has caused me to become a writer. I wanted to write because I than didn’t have to run the chance of being mad fun of.

I think it all comes down to that. I think that we, as a people, are very fragile. It only takes one thing to happen to have a mood shift. It takes on accident to shift an entire life. It takes one misstep to cause you to second guess your every thought.

I know that I have no confidence. I never did and I blame the depression that I created for myself. It is not like I was ever really made fun of. It is not like I wore a scarlet letter and everyone avoided the leper.

I created these scenarios because I was unhappy with myself. Rather  than change myself and work on these items, I alienated myself. I developed an eating disorder that causes me still to second guess my appearance almost on a daily basis. I became judgmental while carrying a conversation if someone asked me to pronounce something an additional time. Sure, the may have just not heard because of the noise at the party, but I know better. They were trying to state just how much better they are at talking.

I have been programmed to compete at everything. Americans have been trained in Capitalism which say win at all costs and challenge everyone to better yourself. What happens when we create a society of driven individuals fighting to climb a latter that leads them nowhere? What happens when we create drones that loss the ability to challenge their thoughts, but would rather just challenge each other? The world is becoming a work place. There is no more chivalry and everyone is fighting each other to try and get a leg up. They have no idea why they need this leg up or what this advancement would do for their happiness. They just continue in the process. And, when something happens that causes us to think again we become depressed. We become depressed with who we are and who we are not. It is not other people being critical of our existense. It is ourselves and the brain that we nurture that becomes the worst enemy. This becomes the basis of all evil and causes you to lose any sense of understanding that you have earned over the years of experience. Life continues in this cycle and if you can not get out. If you can not fight to get your head above water. I am sorry my friend, you will drown. You will become 70 and wonder what the hell just happened to the last 50 years of your life. The regrets of the time you can not change will cause you to ruin the people and experiences that are the key to a happy future. Do not worry about what is done, worry about the future and what you can change in order to never get into the cycle again. Sure, I am about to go into the cycle. I may be in one now. I may have just gotten out of one. Whatever the case my be, everyday is a fight for the sanity in which you are trained to ignore but passionate to keep. Life continues to be this balancing act, and until you lead the life your happy mind wants you to lead, the machine of society will continue to churn with your thoughtless conscious as a lubricant for the gears,

Challenge and get out. Do not let the society have you lose 20 years of your life because you felt fat and couldn’t talk. Get your voice out there and change the future for yourself as it will change the future of those around you.