Can't Run Away from Everything

Friday, August 14, 2009.

I am a very stubborn person. I can have a very destructive temper. I can lose patience very quickly. I would like to think that I can control myself most of the time, but there are moments in which the Incredible Hulk appears. I do not like to admit defeat or ask for assistance. Again, these are things that I am working on and I would like to think that I am gaining a better control of. That’s another thing, I have to be in control. I think that goes to my Italian roots. Actually, I’d like to blame my Italian roots for all of my flaws and take my personal awesomeness for all of my positive attributes. Honestly, I’m human and therefore emotions take over sometimes.

Running is something that I hated for a long period of my life. I never understood it. Why would someone want to just run? Why would someone voluntarily go around in a circle? These thoughts began when I was much younger than my current status at a time when I despised exercise and loved the cool feel of the couch and television. At this point in my life, I enjoy running. It is freedom. You put on music and just go. It is a liberating experience to worry about nothing but your own thoughts. It is difficult to get this level of clarity in everyday life, as your mind likes to worry about every little thing in every little moment. But, when you are running and your mind is occupied with the immediate goal of survival, your conscious is free to roam and enjoy a little independence.

Austin is one of the fittest cities in America. It is constantly in the top ten on whatever health publication you would like to rely on. After being here for two weeks, I can attest to the fitness level of Austinites. Running trails are set up in parks accompanied with water stations. Bike routes criss cross every inch of the city allowing for pedal pushers to make it just about anywhere their hearts desire. A cultural study will show that people within the city are generally in good shape. This is not scientific, but a look around shows that people take care of themselves. There are small café’s, juice bars and vegan restaurants around every corner. There is also Whole Foods. Look, they have Whole Foods in Arizona, but they have Whole Foods-land in Austin. It is 40 aisles of in your face healthy food that makes you second guess ever eating birthday cake when you were six.

I listen to rap. Yes, me, white Masters student who can’t dance, I listen to rap when I run. It gives me a steady enough rhythm and the lyrics distract my conscious enough so I loose track of the pain that I am feeling. I usually listen to Kanye West with the chance of slipping into Mos Def. Yes, rappers who white people can like without having to actually like hardcore rap. Depending on my mood, it will dictate the music I listen to. As, the music will create a soundtrack for the run. I can veer away from the rap and hit a little alternative as well.

For example, if it is a morning that I am angry with, I will click over to Rage Against the Machine. If it is a morning that I lack motivation, it will be turned to Kanye West. If it is a morning that I am just happy and want to enjoy the scenery, it will go to Arcade Fire. You catch the drift.

This was to be my maiden voyage around the running trail in Austin. My girlfriend had done the run with our new group of friends a few times before. On this morning, no friends were around and she was going with her sister, also my roommate. They were about to leave when I lumbered downstairs for coffee. They were walking out the door and I joined the caravan. A little exercise would do me good.

We arrived at a pedestrian bridge. There were tables lined up with water and people in work out gear. People had bikes, dogs and kids. It was like a convention for the health conscious sect of society. We stretched and my girlfriend gave the directions for the trail. I was not really listening as I was deciding what kind of run it was going to be with my music. Before I knew it, she and her sister were off and I just started jogging.

Before this gets into the meat of the story, understand this one point. I am tall, not basketball player tall, but taller than the average male. This causes me to have long legs which make jogging easier. I am like a giraffe; I am awkward and choppy in foot races and sprints. But, when it comes to distance running, these stilt legs allow me to cover a lot of ground without that many strides. Therefore, I can run longer distances without getting tired as I am utilizing less energy.

Back to the story, so we start over a bridge and around a trial. It is a beautiful day and the sun is coming up. To my left is Lady Bird Lake and the sky line of the Austin. The temperature can not be a tick over 80. I began the run listening to Pearl Jam, hoping to just ease through about half and album and enjoy the day. I soon found out after the first song, that my lungs were burning and my mouth was dry. I was horribly out of shape and needed a boost.

I went over to Kanye West and needed his anger to give a shot in the arm. I passed my girlfriend on the run and kept on going down the track. I came to a pedestrian bridge to my left and crossed it over a smaller section of the lake. I then passed my roommate and was in front in the relay of the house. I then hit my stride for the rest of the run. I passed the initial fatigue and found myself in a runner’s zone. My legs were working without me having to think them through each step. The music was flowing and I was laughing. It was a gorgeous day.

The album ticked down and was over. I found the trail of runners thinning until I was by myself. I took a few step break and flipped the music to the Kings of Leon. I started the engines again and went for another song. I did begin to worry. I had this thought: This was a lot longer of a run than I thought. If I burned through a whole album, it was about 50 minutes. I can run about 4 or 5 miles in that pace. The trail was supposed to only be 3 and I have yet to even cross the bridge. This thing is going to take all day.

There it was, the bridge that I was supposed to cross. I turned the corner and the bridge leading to the other side was there. I did break my jog as my legs were a bit shaky at this point and I told myself to walk across the bridge  and  then run the rest of the way back. When I took that first step to the left to enter t he bridge, I saw cars. Not a few cars or anything like I had before, but the highway. This allowed me to get my barrings and understand that I had run to the Interstate 35.

Backstory is like this, the I-35 is the main freeway that cuts through Austin. It is about a mile from out house and separates central Austin from East Austin, where we live. The location that we started this run at is about three miles from this bridge. The location of the house in which we live is exactly one mile. My legs were rubber and I had maybe another ten minutes of jogging left in them. So, I had reached a fork in the road. Do I go left, back to the start of the run, it would take about 40 minutes as I would walk a majority of it and meet up with my roommates. Or, do I go right one mile and make it home. I did not have a key to gain access to the house or any form of communication to let my roommates know that I was home and ok. The decision is something that sparked a very long debate.

The directions that I was given by my girlfriend were as follows, go down the trail. Cross at the pedestrian bridge, then cross at the next bridge and follow the trail back to the start. I thought that I had done this properly and the trail was just a lot longer, but I was wrong. She gave very good directions, which after running the trail again make a lot of sense, but I did not follow them the first time.

I blame my stubbornness on my family. I blame them for pretty much everything that I think is negative. The more I think about this, the more illogical it is. It is my actions that cause me to think in this manner. There are moments that I have a great amount of patience, and there are moments that I do not. I think that I am not alone in this manner as everyone goes through a similar spectrum of emotions. One day, some small minor thing can trigger you off onto a rampage that hurts everyone close to you. A few moments later, you look back and wonder why the heck that happened.

I think that we are very emotional creatures. We have minds that cause us to think too much about everything around us. We have expectations to constantly be the same person to everyone around. When we are having a bad day, we do not look at ourself for causing that bad day, but try and find something external that is causing the pain. As, we are who we are, we are great people, we could never possibly be upset with ourselves because of a whole somewhere in our soul. But, it has to be something else that is inflicting this pain that we are feeling.

When periods like this happen, destruction of everything near and dear follows. We become the Incredible Hulk until there is nothing left to break. Ok, maybe that is a bit dramatic and maybe you are reading this and have never had these moments. If you are in this population, I apologize for the length in which I am covering this, but I do think that we all have these moments. I think that we have these moments everyday. I think that our daily lives can be too much sometimes and we need to unplug. We need to have alone time. We need to just ride out the wave as there is nothing we can do.

Nothing we can do. That is a phrase that I never believed in when I was younger. I always thought there was an answer to everything. Every problem has a solution. That is the logic in me. That is the way I was programmed. I think I am maturing to the point to understand that some things do not have an answer. Some days you may feel terrible and there is nothing to do but ride it out. Everything will not be perfect at every moment. Understandings that the world and the moments within the existense you are carving out are not in your control can allow you to be liberated. It can allow you to go with the flow more. There are times that I can never be in control and I am becoming ok with that. There are moments that I cannot fix and I am becoming better with that.

I stopped at the bottom of the bridge. I was at the offramp from the Interstate. Left or Right. Meet with the roommates and understand that I made a mistake. Go home and laugh it off and blame my girlfriend for bad directions. I went right. I ran down Cesar Chavez to my house. My back door was open and I entered the house. I showered and cranked on my computer. No sight of my roommates until they called. I told them what I had done and how funny it was. My girlfriend hung up on me and then it hit me how stubborn I was.

A debate happened where my girlfriend explained how they searched for me. How they spent two hours trying to find me. How they were about to call the police. How worried they were for me. I was home. I was showered and laughing about what I had done. I did not think at all about the situation I placed them in concerning my wellbeing and whereabouts.

I was a stubborn person. I would fight you in a debate until I win. I would give you logic for every decision. I would plot out how something will fail prior to it beginning. I would think six moves ahead in order to find out just how to get out of every situation. I would be anxious for things and situations that I had never been in or understood.

I am getting better. I am becoming more understanding. I am trying to think less and enjoy more. Life is this great string of moments. These moments are presented to you and you decide how to go forward. I believe in fate but I do not rely on fate. I think you can create your own identity and the actions will speak toward the character and life you will lead. I am learning. That is all I can say, I am learning how to be an adult. I am learning how to live through emotions. I am learning how to be mature. I am learning that everything is a test and you need to trust yourself before you can be yourself.

I looked at the lake and thought of how beautiful it was. I think back to the final scene of “American Beauty” and how a flying back can be beautiful. I look at the moments that I have had and will have in my life and a tear of joy formed because it was so sublime. The moments and life you want to lead is out there, do not be stubborn and turn to your past negative actions when the fear of growth is too much. Like in running, you can control everything and there is nothing stopping you from going forward and making the right decision than your own mind. Have the confidence to trust it.

Moral: Listen to directions before you engage in a task in which you have never accomplished before; never be too stubborn to apologize or limit your growth because of fear.